Good Work, “Boys”
Published October 12th, 2007 in MiscellaneousTwo weeks ago, friend and Underpants commenter Roscoe P. Coltrane found out that his wife is pregnant with a son. I’m sure he would have been thrilled to find out he’s having a daughter, but you can tell he was rooting for a boy – he’s still walking around with this smug smile like he’s hiring his dick out for Bar Mitzvahs and weddings.
I want to be happy for him; I really do. And I know it says a lot about me (nothing good), but I can’t shake the fear that my first child is going to be a girl and his son is going to have sex with her. See, we like to kid each other, and of all the things you can’t REALLY get mad about, that might be the worst. What possible comeback is there?
“Hey, your mom’s so fat, that-”
“My son fucked your daughter.”
“…Dang.”
Unless I was somehow able to have sex with his mom, in his car, while lying on his television, I think I’d have to move.
Yes. These are the things I think about.
The explicit director’s cut of that conversation went like this:
…
“My son fucked your daughter.”
“Dang…well, she didn’t cum!”
“He did.”
“…DAMN IT!”
That is the funniest shit I’ve read in weeks, man. I still don’t know what the hell was going on with your penis last week, as you wrote that post like a James Joyce novel, but… when you bring the funny, you fookin’ bring it, m’man.
Here’s a consolation: Coltrane men only bang hot chicks, so it probably means your daughter came out looking pretty good.
That’s not a consolation. Not even a little. Except that it suggests she might not actually be my daughter.
I’m about to ground my theoretical daughter or accuse my girlfriend of theoretically cheating on me. I need better fantasies.
And thank you, Robbb, for the kind words.
I second Robb’s bafflement at your ED or not… wtf was your malfunction, anyway? I also second the funny. This is good stuff, more please.
What I’ve always loved about z is his complete nonchalant attitude towards self-humiliation. He’ll tell you any of his deepest, darkest secrets, as long as it makes you go “whoa, that is fucked up”. Just ask him about Bill Bellamy.
Z, what happened with Bill Bellamy?
Oh, it’s not that big a deal. I mean, we’ve all had dreams where we were in compromising sexual positions with prominent African American comedians, then woken up feeling really uncomfortable, then made the incredibly regrettable error of telling our friends about it.
Right?
Dude your HYSTERICAL!
Apparently there are things I don’t WANT to know, yet desperately NEED to know. Hm.
Keep it up Z