Reaching into the great grab bag of life
Published October 29th, 2007 in A day in the lifeFor the past nine or ten years, I’ve had a bad run of Halloween costumes, so this year I wanted to be something safe; something universally likeable. I thought it would be cool to go as Kermit the Frog. Naturally this led to several people asking me: doesn’t that make Wonder Woman Ms. Piggy?
Answer: What??? No! I only asked her if she wants to go the gym because we’re wasting our money on membership fees if we don’t use them! Ah, fuck.
Actually, (FALSE) implications of huskiness aside, Wonder Woman wouldn’t want to be Ms. Piggy even if she was Ms…um…thin animal.* Apparently, WW’s favorite Muppet is Janice.
Who??? First of all, kudos to WW for what could be the most obscure pop culture reference I’ve ever heard. I spent fifteen minutes trying to confirm that there actually WAS a Muppet named Janice. (My search ended here: http://www-cs-students.stanford.edu/~csilvers/muppet-characters.html#muppshow. Note the domain… Stanford, everyone! A tree for a mascot and fifty grand per year for classes on Muppets.**)
Now I find myself at a turning point: I’m thinking about proposing to Wonder Woman soon, but first I want to make sure that we really are right for each other. My method for that is to freak out at everything. Observe as my stages of anxiety advance, quickly making a mountain out of a fuzzy-puppet-mole hill.
Stage 1: Practical. Janice is, at best, a bit player. Doesn’t WW’s affinity for her therefore imply an overall lack of ambition? It’s like hearing someone say that their dream job is to be an astronaut’s dry cleaner.
Stage 2: Long-term. The compatibility issues are obvious. If I had to classify my friends as Muppets, trends would suggest I prefer the company of Gonzos, Animals, Rolphs, Kermits, and Fozzies. Not only is WW a Janice by choice, but her favorite Huxtable is Sondra, and she dislikes Bill Murray movies with a particular hatred for Groundhog Day. If it were anyone else, I would suggest that people like her shouldn’t be protected by the First Amendment. I don’t ever want to have to tell my kids that there mother is a godless communist, but it would be irresponsible of me as a parent if I allowed her to promote her twisted value system.
Stage 3: Full-fledged paranoia. What if she’s an alien? Or a robot, designed to replace her while the real Wonder Woman uses her video game prowess to combat an alien threat in a distant galaxy? (How’s THAT for an obscure reference!***) While she slept last night, I searched areas around her central nervous system for signs of some sort of alien or high-tech mind control device. No dice. But she might have some bug in her stomach, Matrix-style. More info to come.
Of course, when I ran this past Roscoe P. Coltrane and his wife, he immediately replied, “Janice? The blond muppet with the long hair? That’d be pretty cool!” Once again I find myself screaming in alarm at the freakish creature in front of me, and then someone informs me that it’s a mirror.
Now I find myself in a state of acceptance, and I realize that in my zeal to crush all opinions other than my own, I’ve overlooked some things. After all, uncovering all of Wonder Woman’s quirks will take a lifetime, if I’m lucky, because it’s those differences that give us stuff to talk about, argue over and laugh at.
I also see how foolish it was for me to overlook the possibility that my girlfriend is actually a foreigner, hiding her background for immigration purposes. Her misplaced attachments probably come from her initial difficulty with the English language. (This could also be why she doesn’t laugh at many of my jokes, which are HILARIOUS.) I wonder what sort of customs they have in her home country, and I hope it’s one of those European regions where women are always making out with each other. France, I think. In any case, I can probably get a bunch of backrubs if I threaten to have her deported.
*What the hell thin animals are there? I keep thinking of different birds, but I don’t want it to seem like I promote bulimia, even if it is for altruistic, child-rearing purposes.
**Note that there are only five Muppets with “normal” names, and all of them are women. Does this reveal misogynistic undertones in what was thought to be innocent children’s entertainment? I don’t know, but I DO know that that’s the kind of paper that could get a guy magna cum laude at Stanford.
***The correct answer is The Last Starfighter, which is also the reason I think of my flatulence as “Death Blossoms”.
(Here is the Muppet of Interest)
Everybody knows who Janice is, and everybody who reads your blog knew you were talking about The Last Starfighter.
Perhaps, while you are contemplating WW’s strange origins on your blog, she is blogging on http://www.lassooftruth.edu about how her boyfriend knows nothing about muppets and always thinks he’s a crafty bastard whenever he references a well known 80’s movie.
Although, who doesn’t like Bill Murray movies?
Although I have always been astounded by WW’s deep hatred for Bill Murray, I have to say that Janice is an awesome Halloween idea. She’s chill, she’s stylish, she plays the base. By far one of my favorite muppets as well.
Oh sure. Tell us all the personal details of your life. Put all your neuroses out there for the world to read. But enquiring minds want to know what Cannonball Run (the nickname for you dressed as a pink piñata) is going to be for Halloween this year.
You read it here first, everyone. Z is thinking about proposing to me soon, so I wanted to address his various worries ASAP:
Janice is, at best, a bit player?! Are you kidding? Janice is the lead guitar player in the Electric Mayhem. Have you ever seen a decent band without a lead guitar player?! To bolster my argument, all those boy bands of the 90s (N’ Sync, Backstreet Boys) didn’t have a lead guitar player (or any guitar players, for that matter) whereas Janice falls on lists with Jeff Beck, Jimi Hendrix and Eric Clapton. Furthermore, Janice also portrays Nurse Janice in Veterinarian’s Hospital. Here’s a cool lady who is a registered nurse AND in a rock band (AND she’s blond, to boot). No lack of ambition there.
For the record, I do not hate ALL Bill Murray movies. Just 90% of them (I’m afraid I’ve seen most of them since I seem to surround myself with people who actually love the guy). I liked: Lost in Translation (Murray played Bob Harris…thank you imdb.com for the details) The Royal Tenenbaums (Raleigh St. Clair), Charlie’s Angels (John Bosley) and Ghost Busters (Dr. Peter Venkman). I stomached: Caddyshack (Carl Spackler), Scrooged (Frank Cross), Little Shop of Horrors (Arthur Denton) and Meatballs (Tripper Harrison). But, hello?!? Murray was in Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties. As the TITLE CHARACTER! Also, Groundhog Day (he was Phil Connors) sucks balls. I’ve seen the flick at least four times now because some friends insist I just don’t understand it/appreciate its subtlety. No. I do. And have concluded that it’s a fuckin’ annoying movie no matter how you slice it. I need to sit down and watch Rushmore, Ed Wood and What About Bob? again, since watching movies drunk in college doesn’t count. I will admit that Saturday Night Live’s heyday did coincide with Bill Murray’s time on the show, but I digress.
I can’t even comprehend how z thought that I could be an alien or robot simply because it’s impossible to convincingly fabricate my voice (spawn it, computer program it or otherwise). (Fran Drescher as Fran Fine of The Nanny sounds close to my voice, for those of you who don’t know me)
Sooooo, to wrap up this extra long comment, I just want to reiterate that z memorialized IN WRITING, “I’m thinking about proposing to Wonder Woman soon.” Not to go all legal on his ass, but z WROTE IT. And you guys all read it. Proposing. To. Wonder Woman. Soon.
To all the readers out there who may be called upon to back me up, “soon” is defined by the Random House Unabridged Dictionary (2006) as:
–adverb, -er, -est.
1. within a short period after this or that time, event;
2. before long; in the near future; at an early date;
3. promptly or quickly;
4. readily or willingly;
5. early in a period of time; before the time specified is much advanced.
I’m just sayin’…
I don’t know what was more unwise, Z:
(A) Using the word “huskiness” in ANY sentence involving your girlfriend,
(B) Announcing proposal thoughts/plans on your blog,
or
(C) Admitting to this crowd that you had no idea who Janice was.
I think “C” wins out. What does this say about WW?
Janice : Gonzo :: Carlos D. : Jon Bon Jovi
Short answer: “Oh woooow… She’s one hip lady, maaannn…”
By the way, this was just on TV *two days ago*:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yRC4YU0bsw
(cue to 2:38)
fuck Stanford… it’s not even a real university. It’s a Jr. University, says so right there in the fine print.
First of all, when I said “soon”, I meant in a geological sense.
Second of all, there are two things I believe in this world. One: no one likes banana. Not really. Two: no one knows who Janice is. Everyone remembers the character, but no one remembers that her name was Janice. WW doesn’t count because she isn’t from this country and/or planet, and Robbb doesn’t count because he remembers everything.
I am willing to believe these things despite all evidence to the contrary, including a delicious banana creme pie that Schooly once made for me.
I love bananas. I think I was even one of the 5 people who bought banana flavored nesquik (though at that time it was just called quik), which means, that’s right, I even like artificial banana flavoring
As for “Janice” I had no idea who Janice was. Sure, now that you posted the picture, I remember that stoned character, but had jack bauer put a gun to my head and threatened to kill me unless I could describe “Janice from the Muppet Show” I woulda been a goner.
My first official comment - mostly to support WW with the awareness that other members of her family have read z’s blog and have seen impeding proposal in writing.
I have to admit I didn’t remember Janice’s name, but I did know who she was. But I do remember Veternarian’s Hospital and Pigs in Space (Piiiiiiigs in Spaaaaace) quite well as they were on the Muppets record I used to listen to repeatedly as a child. I’ll check to see if Janice is credited on the record next time I’m at my parent’s house.
Since I am WW’s cousin, just call me….