Underpants On The Outside

As a child, I spent long hours in doctors’ offices, reading Highlights magazine. One of their features compared snapshots of two brothers, Goofus and Gallant, whose names suggest that their parents were fans of alliteration and gin. I’m sure you’re all familiar with the bit, but just in case, Gallant was the charming, well-mannered son, while Goofus was incompetent with obvious sociopathic tendencies, (which you’re asking for when you name your kid after a synonym of “moron.”) Gallant helped old ladies across the street while Goofus was too busy having unprotected sex, so kids could learn that it’s better to help old ladies across the street because unintended pregnancies cost money.

But let’s face it: Gallant was a square. This blog and its (small) community are dedicated to the saying of inappropriate things; when there’s nothing inappropriate to say, something stupid will suffice. And as I’ve learned from many of the Underpants commenters, nothing improves drivel like drivel expressed in a unusually grandiose fashion - it’s like putting butter on an Oreo. (For the record, OG’s prowess at grandiose nonsense is nothing short of masterful.)

In that spirit, I am proud to present the following quotes.  I hope they would be amusing outside of any context, but I think it adds a little oomph to point out that these were IM’s I sent to two different co-workers in less than a 24 hour span. 

“GODDAMNIT I DON’T WANT EXCUSES, I WANT HIGH-VELOCITY PLASTIC ANTHROPOMORPHIZED POTATOES!” (I wanted him to throw a Ms. Potatohead at another colleague sitting nearby, and I wasn’t going to take No for an answer.)

“Maintaining bi-species anal virginity is life’s version of a high score.” (It’s a long story.  Nevertheless, I believe it’s a sentiment we can all agree on.)

My “Employee of the Month” plaque should be arriving any minute now…