Underpants On The Outside

I bought a new TV last week, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. That’s because my new TV is very, very big. The stereotypes are true; I’m a dude, and therefore I wanted as big of a TV as I could possibly fit in my apartment. I was willing to take down a wall or two, if that’s what was needed. But the process wasn’t easy; certainly not for Wonder Woman. One day I guess she’d finally had enough. She turned to me and said, “You just want a bigger TV than M [a friend of mine], don’t you?!? Why? Does that mean that your dick is somehow bigger?” I forgot to mention: we were inside a crowded Circuit City, and Wonder Woman wasn’t so much using her “inside” voice as she was her “inside a KISS concert” voice.

It was a bit embarrassing. She was kind of implying that I might need a bigger dick, which I don’t, unless she’s expecting some kind of vaginal growth spurt. But more than that, it pissed me off because she was assuming the worst about me, that I could be so base and petty. So I explained that a big-ass TV is practical because I’m thinking ahead, to the day when she and I have a family together and move into a bigger place. (I’ve found that when your girlfriend is 30 and unmarried, this rationale can pretty much be used to explain anything. I could probably get away with a pre-marital affair by calling it an “au pair audition.”)

Of course I was lying. If* we get married, have babies and buy a new place together, I’m still going to want a bigger TV. I just didn’t want to discuss my junk in the middle of Circuit City. She had me pegged exactly: having a big ol’ TV makes me feel awesome, probably as much as I would with a twelve inch moose-cock. That’s why I thought that for the rest of this post I would refer to my big-ass TV as “My Dick”.

I love My New Dick. It’s so big I could probably sleep on it if I wanted to. It’s almost seven times as long as my other dick, and don’t get me started on its girth. Yes, I DO love that My Dick is bigger than M’s, but more than that I love the way it ticks him off that mine is bigger. In fact, My Dick is bigger than just about all of my friends’, except for Ex-Roommate Kat and Jackie Treehorn. (Not only is Kat a girl, but they’re both Asian, so I guess the stereotypes aren’t true…) My friend Maverick says his is bigger, but you know how guys talk; he’s going to have to whip it out before I’m convinced.

Admittedly, when My Dick arrived, even I was a little shocked by how big it was. I was worried that it would look awkward, or even worse - that I wouldn’t be able to find someplace to put it! But it didn’t take long before I got into the swing of things, and to her credit, Wonder Woman has been VERY accommodating. She spends more time with her eyes glued to My Dick than ever before, and trust me when I say that she’s found a whole new appreciation for it.

In celebration of My New Dick, I also bought an Xbox 360 along with Halo 3. These shall be known as “My Balls,” because when you pair My New Balls with My New Dick, it is a sight to behold. Even when they’re not doing anything, they look good just sitting there; but when you turn them on, what comes out is truly amazing (though if you’re not ready for it, it can be difficult to take all of it in on your first try.)

Lastly, I don’t know if I’ll ever get over how good attractive women look when I see them on My Dick.

There. That was my best effort at discussing my new television as lewdly as possible. As regular readers might expect, I’m rather proud of myself right now, though I wouldn’t be surprised to come home tomorrow and find Wonder Woman rubbing my new TV down with bleach. I only hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.

*I imagine that people who know us find it cute to see me clinging to the delusions that any other options are still available.