Underpants On The Outside

Yesterday, the beautiful people at Crave put up the latest of my Superhero Diaries.  Before you click through, though, be aware that when it comes to comic book references, this one has a high degree of difficulty. Essentially it’s about a character who is waging this secret war against aliens, pretty much by himself, from his small one-bedroom apartment. When I was reading the books, I couldn’t help but think that in real life, everyone would just assume this guy was bat-shit insane, which is the premise of the piece.   But when I was writing it, it occurred to me that while I’m proficient (like a motherfucker) at Half-witted and Obnoxious, Crazy isn’t really in my repertoire. Luckily I know a guy who doesn’t use toothpaste. 

Some of you may be familiar with friend, commenter, and extremely-large aquatic mammal OG, a.k.a. Occupational Government.  Others of you may meet him at the Wedding of Doom. (If you’re asking yourself, “who is this guy and why is he yelling at me?  More importantly, why is he yelling at me about pancakes?” you’re probably talking to OG, and he can smell your fear.)  And if there are one or two of you left, you probably don’t know me, and your lives are richer for it. (But please keep coming back to the Underpants.)

I could give no description of him that would do him justice, but here’s my favorite story about him: Among our friends, OG is notorious for his unwillingness to touch doorknobs with his hands.  He’ll hit them with his elbows, if need be.  Nor will he touch bathroom sink handles, or the levers on paper towel dispensers.  He is terrified of diseases, and because of it, watching him in a public men’s room is pretty damn funny.*  I asked him about it once, and in the process of explaining, he said, “Just wait.  We’ll see what happens when you go to take a piss right after John Q. Genital Wart got through in there.”  I almost fell out of my chair laughing.  But since that day I have not been able to use a public restroom without thinking of the name John Q. Genital Wart, and I have never again touched any surface in there with my hands (other than my junk.)

The reason I mention all this is because every time I got stuck writing this Superhero Diary, I asked myself, “What would OG say?”  Yet I would bet I didn’t come even close.  So I hereby invite anyone who knows him, as well as the phenomenon himself, to offer their opinions.

*And not gay.