Underpants On The Outside

 This is a fact: With the exception of girlfriends, I have never been seated next to an attractive woman on an airplane. Statistically this should be impossible, given how often I fly between Los Angeles and New York - there are always at least ten really attractive women on the flight. I know this because I watch them go by, me repeating in my head, “16d, 16d, c’mon, c’mon, please be in 16d…” But they are never in 16d.  Ever.

I mention it because on Sunday night Wonder Woman and I flew from Los Angeles to New York, and I missed my best opportunity to spend six hours next to a hot chick who, with the help of a little inclement weather, would be forced to sit next to me the whole time.  I was in seat 7E.  Her ticket said 7D.  But the gigantically fat man in seat 6D was happy to switch with her so she could sit next to her much-more-handsome-than-me boyfriend in 6E.   Motherfucker.

In truth, I have no misconceptions about what might happen.  I don’t imagine that somewhere over Omaha, Hot Blonde is going to sigh, rest her head on her hands, and say, “I really wish I could give somebody a handjob right now.”  And I also realize that I’m engaged to be married to an adorable, lovely woman, who- GODDAMNIT I WANT SOME ANONYMOUS HETEROSEXUAL ELBOW SEX!

Look, on every airplane, it’s inevitable that you and your next-seat rowmate are going to rub elbows.  And while it’s not nearly as fun as bumping uglies, that doesn’t mean it’s insignificant, as long as it’s an attractive female.  (Because when it’s a dude, you know it.  You can feel each and every arm hair.) If I had a hot woman doing the armrest fandango with me, I could easily waste two hours playing the mind game of, “Wow, that was really hot.  I mean, temperature hot.  Why is she so hot?  Or is it me… uh oh, am I sweaty?  No, I’m cool.  Did she notice when I just smelled myself there?  No. No, she’s hot because she wants me. I’m gonna touch her again… and now I’m going to go jerk off in the restroom.”  Unintentional caresses were the foundation of my sex life all through high school, and I have no problem kicking it old school for a few hours to kill time.  (It’s like looking through my dick’s yearbook.)

Maybe some people would consider my desire to be “cheating.”  I don’t care.  By getting engaged/married, I’ve essentially given up window seats on every flight for the rest of my life.  The least I deserve is some forearm fornication with an anonymous beauty.  And I would have got some too, if it hadn’t been for that considerate son of a bitch elbowblocking me.

I’m sorry, but I always thought the whole reason people purchase tickets with seat assignments is so that they sit in that actual seat.  That’s the type of lawless bullshit I’d expect from Russia, or Southwest Airlines.

Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules?