Underpants On The Outside

I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good [Ed note: not last year!], but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

As you’ll recall, Tony, Jack’s presumed-dead sidekick, had obtained a circuit board that could hack into our nation’s infrastructure, meaning power plants, water treatment facilities, airports… basically, Tony could play a really awesome game of SimCity, with a lot less Sim to it.

Jack was about to get some info that would have led him straight to Tony and ended this thing, except, as you’ll recall, the first five or six episodes of any 24 season are always chock-full of futility. In this case, a sniper who killed Jack’s lead.

Jack’s Day, 9-10 AM: You know what Jack always says: when life gives you lemons, grab a pen and threaten to stab the lemons in the eye until they piss lemonade. One informant might be dead, but Jack knows that the sniper will know where Tony is, and as long as he’s got a head… shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes… then Jack can work with him.

Redhead had her FBI backup seal the building across the street. I didn’t listen to see if anyone said “establish a perimeter,” but that’s what they’re doing, and I’m interested to see how the FBI compares to the infamously perimeter-incompetent CTU. She and Jack head over to supervise the inevitable breakdown in security.

An FBI agent stops Jack and asks him to hand over his gun, played by an actor who is not going to be employed by 24 for very long. That’s because when you take Jack Bauer’s gun from him, it’s your ass. Seeing how I’ll never have the opportunity or talent to be really bad-ass, sometimes I like to imagine what I would do if I were Jack. I think it would go something like this:

“Mr, Bauer, I need to take your gun.”

“But if you take my gun, what will I use to protect you?”

“Protect me from what?”

“My right hand.” Then I’d punch him in the nose. The force of the blow would cause his head to explode, sending out a shockwave so powerful it would somehow disintegrate the Redhead’s panties.

In any case, there’s no way that guy is making it to 8 AM tomorrow. But then the Redhead tells Jack to wait in the car… and he does it! Oh, crap – Jack is still in pussy-mode; we’re all doomed. I hope the Redhead cracks the window a bit or he’ll get heatstroke.

9:07: Tony instructs two planes to land on the same runway. At the same time, he’s on the phone with the air traffic controller, just to rub it in his face. Only Bruce Willis can save them now.

9:10: Tony calls off one of the planes at the last second, telling the air traffic controller that that was only a warning. It definitely reinforces the theory that Tony is working under some kind of deep cover. It doesn’t excuse his poor planning.

9:24: Jack’s waiting in the car, looking out the window. I hope the Redhead brings him a treat soon, or at least a cup full of water. Oh look, he also has a fan! The agent in the front seat tells Jack that he doesn’t agree with the way he’s being criminalized in the Senate. I think this is ambitious; he knows Jack has yet to fill the sidekick position. Jack disagrees, saying that he’s done a lot of bad things for his country, and he wants the truth to finally be told. Is… IS JACK BAUER BEING DEMURE!? Jack fails to mention the fact that when he was doing all these bad things for his country he was smiling like a girl on a pony ride.

9:25: While FBI agents sweep the building for a sniper, one lone agent is checking the basement where the sniper is now hiding. As perimeter establishing goes, this is straight out of the CTU textbook. I can’t imagine this guy is going to live long.

9:26: Shows what I know. The agent turns out to be a traitor, and provides the sniper with an FBI jacket before letting him go. I will say: while Tony’s planning has been piss poor so far, having the forethought to not only send a sniper to kill Scarface, but to also send a rogue FBI agent with an extra jacket in case the sniper got caught is quite clever. The sun shines on every dog’s ass once in a while.

9:27: Jack asks his new #1 fan if he can get out of the car and grab some air. The agent says yes. In years past I would have assumed that this seemingly small gesture just saved him from having his neck broken, but these days if he had refused Jack probably would have asked, “Well, can I roll the window down at least? Please?”

9:28: As Jack is standing outside, he sees the sniper goes by. Jack notices that while the rest of the agents are wearing dress shoes, the one agent leaving the scene is wearing Timberlands. Timberlands seem to be the preferred shoe of assassins – Jack knows this by instinct, but I had to watch four seasons of The Wire before I learned that.

Jack tells the Redhead that they have to chase the sniper, but that she can’t tell anyone, because clearly there are traitors within the FBI. He assures her they can do this on their own. In the past I would have asked if she was even necessary. Now I wonder if she’ll need to open Jack’s juice box for him.

9:29: The redhead tosses her keys to Jack without a word being said. For the first time in a long time, Jack is finally in control.

9:33: We learn that a general of Sangala is behind Tony’s plot, and he is given the “CIP device.” He wears black, so we know he means business. I hope this doesn’t come off as racist, but this guy has a very difficult name, so if you don’t mind I’m going to call him General Unpronounceable. Yeah, that kinda comes off as racist.

9:36: In the car, the Redhead asks Jack how far he was going to go back at Scarface’s place. I think she needs to clarify: does she mean how deep he was going to stab Scarface, or how many times? Jack points out that she told him to do whatever it takes. She replies that she had only said that to scare Scarface. How was Jack supposed to know? Someone should tell her that Jack struggles with the concept of bluffing.

Meanwhile, I thought that Jack had finally found the perfect woman for him once I saw her snapping elbows, but perhaps I was wrong: starting a relationship with communication issues is not a good sign.

Now she asks him about who he is. He reminds her that she’s seen his file. She says that the contents of his file don’t justify the things he’s done. He tells her to go fuck herself. I think he worded it a bit differently, though.

9:52: Jack and the Redhead follow the sniper to a dock, where Tony is waiting. The sniper gets out of his car, but before he goes through a security gate he gets a suspicion that he’s being followed. He doubles back and gets a bead on the Redhead. Sucks for him: looks like she was bait. Jack whales on the dude’s chest for a bit. I doubt it hurts very much, but it’s been a while since Jack’s seen any action, and if he doesn’t warm up he could pull a muscle. The redhead stops him, but I think he was working his way up to punching through the guy’s sternum and then eating his heart. But maybe that’s wishful thinking. Jack knees him in the face for good measure.

Next Jack improvises a silencer out of a burlap sack and shoots the security camera. At this point I’m so desperate I’m going to give Jack points for a kill there.

Jack uses the sniper as a human shield heading down the gangplank. The sniper does his job admirably, using his torso to stop a bullet. Now that he’s outlived his usefulness, Jack pushes him over the side of the gangplank. That’s the move he usually uses to break up with a woman. The Redhead kills the shooter, completely emasculating Jack.

Another shooter comes out, misses them both, and both Jack and the Redhead shoot him. For a second I wonder if this insults Jack further, or if it’s his version of romantically ordering one shake with two straws. Nope, it’s insult. I can tell when Jack gives her a look that says, “What next? Are you going to cut my steak for me too?”

Jack searches the boat for Tony. When he finds him, he manages to disarm him, but Tony hits him with a door and starts getting away. This has to be the most embarrassing hour of Jack’s life. Thank god the Redhead wasn’t there to see that.

9:57: On deck, Jack gets Tony in his sights, but Tony runs anyway, proving Jack doesn’t have the stones to shoot him. Jack chases him, catching up to him via a rather acrobatic leap. Jack and Tony mutually exchange ass-kickings until Jack finally gets Tony by the throat. An FBI chopper shows up just in time to watch Jack ineffectually yell, “What happened to you? What the hell happened to you?” before the Moop-Moop.

For the hour:

• Human Kills: .5
• Camera Kills: 1
• Tortures: 0
• Ass-kickings: 2 (finally!)

Bizarrely, it only seems like these are slow episodes when I’m writing them up. After the first two-hours I felt pretty jazzed up about the season. Time will tell…

Zach’s Day, 9-10 AM: Again, I wasn’t really keeping track yet, but since it was a Sunday, it’s safe to assume that I woke up around 9:30, and got out of bed close to 10.

For the hour:

• Kills: 0
• Snoozes: 3

Life in the fast lane…