Underpants On The Outside

I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good [Ed note: not last year!], but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 10-11 AM: Arrrrrgh.  Already we’re off to a bad start: due to a DVR mix-up, I don’t start recording the show until 10:35.  Thankfully, Fox puts the full episodes online.  I’m sure my five-year old Toshiba laptop will be more than capable of duplicating the viewing experience of my high-def TV.

10:00 AM:  General Unpronounceable threatens the Presidentess with all kinds of badness unless she calls off the forces that were sent to end the war in Sangala.  He gives her a three hour deadline.  She’s hoping there’s some way around this, but she’s told it will be six days before they can protect the CIP firewall from this attack.  But that’s preposterous!  We’d have to rename the show to 144!

The President reminds her Chief of Staff that they don’t have a lot of time.  It’s beginning to look a lot – like – torturrrrrre… everywhere you gooooooooo…..

10:05 AM: Jack, the Redhead and Tony arrive at FBI headquarters.  The Redhead’s boss wants an explanation.  Redhead explains that the FBI has been compromised, which of course he doesn’t believe.  When Jack steps in to offer his opinion, the boss says “ExCUSE me!  This is private!”  Ineffectual… skeptical about Jack’s theories until they bite him in the ass… throws tantrums… seriously, this guy is Bill Buchanan’s long-lost son, right?  Bill Jr., is that you?

10:07 AM:  Janeane Garofalo has to lift up Tony’s shirt to place probes on him, when she begins to do a dead-on impression of “sexually aroused Chloe.”  It’s becoming clear that the FBI and CTU are two sides of the same coin; some kind of penny that isn’t just worthless, but somehow incompetent as well.  Jack’s going to be running this place by lunchtime.

The Redhead assigns Garofalo to figure out who the FBI traitor is.  She seems distraught, but while she acts like she’s worried about the danger, I think she was starting to build an extensive catalog of sexual interrogation fantasies and was only hours away from renaming her shower massager “Tony.”

Bill Jr. tells Jack and the Redhead that General Unpronounceable is behind all this, and that if they don’t get the CIP device, then the Presidentess will have to call off the attack.  Jack says “I can get you your CIP device. I know [Tony]; I know how he thinks.  We have a history.”  Jack points out that they’re running out of time.  Jack hasn’t realized that he’s not getting any sleep tonight.

10:12 AM:  Bill Jr. gives Jack the go ahead to interrogate Tony.  When I said Jack would be running the FBI by lunchtime, I overestimated by an hour and forty-seven minutes.  Just call him Jack Edgar Hoover.

Jack goes in and starts staring Tony down.  “I watched you die in my arms… I know you’re working for the Juma regime.  You know that I will never let that happen, so why don’t you save yourself some time… and some pain.”  If Garofalo had been around for that she would have lost her mind.  Two years ago, I’d have got some goose bumps myself.

In the span of two minutes, Jack completely loses control of the interrogation, until he actually says, “Work with me on this!” Hey Jack – interrogation isn’t a cooperative effort, and you’re wandering dangerously close to begging.  Tony apparently agrees with me, because he takes the opportunity to get in Jack’s head.  He asks Jack how he can work for a government that has failed them so many times, and then refers to a bunch of things in seasons I never watched.  So Jack yells for him to “shut up.”  When Tony doesn’t, Jack reiterates: “I said shut up!”  Ease up there Jack – this isn’t the Spanish Inquisition!  (I had to re-watch this scene a couple times for time accuracy, so I put it on mute.  Without the sound, it looks like Tony is giving Jack an intervention, presumably for his new addiction to behaving like a little girl.)

10:15 AM:  The clock may say 10:15, but as far as I’m concerned it’s ABOUT FRIGGIN TIME, because Jack shoves aside a desk, grabs Tony, throws him against a wall and puts his hand to Tony’s throat.  Tony gasps, “Deep Sky,” just as Bill Jr and the Redhead rush in to stop Jack.  (My favorite moment is when Jack drops Tony and lifts his hands up in the universal sign for “I wasn’t fouling him” as Tony gasps and sputters on the ground.)

10:16 AM:  Jack is locked in what looks like a storage room, where he pulls out his phone and makes a call.  A mysterious voice answers.  Apparently “Deep Sky” was some kind of CTU phone code.  On the other end of the line, it’s… wait for it… waaaiiit for it… THE REAL BILL BUCHANAN!  And Chloe’s sitting next to him!  It’s a CT-reUnion, and Tony really IS undercover! Hooray!!!!  In light of this new development, Bill and Chloe will henceforth be known as Bill and Chloe.  The FBI boss previously known as “Bill Jr.” will now be referred to as “Counterfeit Bill,” and Janeane Garofalo will now be known as “Chloe Garofalo.”

Also, a moment about Bill.  He has one of those beards made out of stubble, he’s wearing a black turtleneck sweater, and his hair, usually combed back, is now mussed in a way that suggests he spent twenty minutes and lots of product to get it looking like that.  In other words, Bill is knee-deep in his own midlife crisis.  I imagine his apartment is filled with items from the Sharper Image.  I can’t wait to see his new Audi.

Bill needs to set up a secure line before he can tell Jack what’s going on.  He says it will take ten minutes.  Jack says they don’t have ten minutes.  Bill replies, “ten minutes,” and hangs up  Another day, he will tell his therapist about how great it felt now that he finally stood up to Jack.  He will neglect to mention that Jack was locked in a room, far far away.

10:17 AM: Chloe tells Bill that they need to get Tony back out in the field.  Bill replies that Jack is their only hope.  The Moop-Moop goes down before Chloe can remind Bill that Jack has been their only hope for the past fifteen years.

10:25:  The Presidentess wants to figure out how it happened that an enemy country could suddenly have so much control over the U.S. I know I’ve only been here for a couple hours, but I’m pretty sure I could break it down for her.  See, the country is very complicated.  It has a lot of different systems, that are all delicate.  Kind of like an egg.  Now, imagine you have a lot of eggs.  To keep them organized, wouldn’t it be smart to build one gigantic basket to hold all the eggs?  Turns out, the answer is no.

10:27:  Bill calls Jack as soon as the secure line is established.  Jack reminds Bill how things are done by yelling at him from the very first word: “Tell me what’s going on!”

Bill explains that Tony is deep undercover, though not for any particular government agency.  Nope – this is an agency of Tony, Bill and Chloe. They call themselves CTU.  Jack manages to restrain from asking, “are you fucking kidding me?” but when Bill says that they need to get Tony out, he can’t hide his contempt when he says, “Damn it Bill I’m in FBI headquarters.”  (The “you fucking gomer” part is implied.)

Once he hears that Chloe is going to help him, Jack calms down a little bit.  In fact, he’s so confident that he’s getting out of there that he asks if he can bring the redhead with him, but Bill doesn’t want Jack bringing his skanks around. I think things would have turned out differently if the Redhead had a twin sister or a hot FBI co-worker.  After all: it ain’t no fun… if the homies can’t haaaaaaave none….

10:35:  Counterfeit Bill is “interrogating” Tony by asking him questions from a seated position.  Tony, in response, exercises his right to remain silent. Good interrogation, there, kitten.  I think the 24 writers (who are notoriously right-wing and according to an apocryphal story have even provided inspiration to military interrogators) are trying to advocate for looser interrogation standards by showing how limp-wristedly weak agents who work within the law are.  This is similar to the marketing tack currently held by Chevy, where Howie Long stops juuuuuust short of saying, “Hi, I’m Howie Long. Do you drive a Honda Pilot?  Well, then you’re a fag!  Drive Chevy, like a real man!”

10:36:  The Redhead says they need to try alternative methods of coercion. I’m not sure, but I think she’s saying they should take Tony’s pants off and have a game of Nutsack Tetherball.  Damn, I didn’t realize that hot chicks were into torture!  Someone get these stupid civil liberties off me!  Jack’s influence on her is obvious.  Counterfeit orders her to get Bauer out of the building, but it’s too late; she’s already had a taste…

10:39:  Chloe is already destroying FBI’s security, putting their cameras on loops to give Jack a chance to escape. I missed Chloe.  She really deserves someone nice, though I’m pretty sure she’ll die alone.

10:40:  Redhead tells Jack he needs to go, but acknowledges that they wouldn’t have caught Tony without him.  She says she’ll put in a good word for him, so Jack grabs her in a sleeper hold, and as she chokes for air, whispers, “Don’t fight it… don’t fight it…”  There is nothing funny for me to say about this, but there are plenty of funny things I can think about it.  Something tells me that the “good word” she is going to put in for him just became “Rapetastic.”

10:46:  Bill is on his way to FBI headquarters, as Chloe coordinates the operation.  Jack is now armed with a gun and his ever-present accessory: a shoulder bag.  In other words, he’s now a fully operational battle station.  Come to think of it, I hadn’t noticed that bag previously.  I think he stole the Redhead’s purse.

Jack busts into the interrogation room, and threatens a security guard and Counterfeit Bill at gunpoint to drop their weapons.  In the process he gets in two good shouts of “Do it!”  Then he knocks out Counterfeit while Tony takes out the security guard.  As Jack and Tony head into the FBI hallways, techno music starts playing.  This show just became a first person shooter, apparently.

Tony apologizes for saying mean things to Jack.  He didn’t mean it; he had to do something to get Jack close enough for him to whisper the code word.  Jack says he’s glad he didn’t break Tony’s neck.  Tony says, “Well, you came close.”  Jack’s response:  “Yeah… sorry about that.”  I find this hilarious, but really, what else could he say?  The man has no experience in apologizing.

10:48 AM:  Janeane “Not Chloe” Garofalo sees that there’s a security hack in progress, and shuts Chloe out of the security cameras. Let the Battle of the Chloes begin! This is hot.  I can’t help but notice that Chloe is also on a Mac while Janeane is in a PC – a winner will be decided, once and for all.

10:51 AM:  Jack and Tony are trapped in a room and can’t leave until Chloe gets the cameras back up.  As the homoeroticism threatens to overwhelm him, Jack tells Chloe to step on it.  She gets snippy.  God, I missed this show.

10:53 AM:  Tony: “We gotta makea  move, Jack.”  Jack: “Christ – thank you Captain Obvious!” Or maybe he just said “I know!”

10:54 AM:  The Redhead spots Jack and Tony in a stairwell.  Counterfeit Bill orders for men to secure the perimeters.  In other words, Jack and Tony are home free.

Chloe finally hacks back in.  Janeane sees it happening, and when Counterfeit tells her to lock Chloe out, she gets snippy at him, too.  I want her and Chloe rolling around in a kiddie pool of sun tan lotion.  Is that wrong of me?

Chloe tells Jack that if he keeps heading downstairs he’s going to run into an ambush.  So? It’s just six guys; Jack takes down five and all Tony has to do is get one. No prob.

Jack knocks out a window and climbs out on the roof of the parking lot.  Perimeter: circumvented.  Then the Redhead orders traffic police to set up another one.  I’m betting she goes oh-for-two on perimeters.

10:55 AM:  Jack spies security agents coming up the garage.  He shoots at them while Tony takes cover.  Someone really needs to remind Jack that he’s shooting to miss.  That person should also prepare to be hated by Jack forever.

10:56 AM:  Tony leaps out of the garage.  With no one to cover him, Jack jumps into a car and hot wires it in less than a minute.  Wow.   Meanwhile, Bill pulls up in a blue van, throwing it into a skid that stops only a few feet from Tony.  He’s going to be pissed when he learns Jack wasn’t watching.  If Bill isn’t careful, this identity crisis of his is going to get someone killed.

Jack hits the gas, heading towards a concrete wall.  He also starts yelling, presumably to let that wall know he’s on the warpath.  The wall crumbles like a taco shell, and as the car plows through it I could swear I heard Jack whisper, “Don’t fight it… don’t fight it…”

One thing: this is the same spot where Tony just leapt out of the garage.  Jack almost lands a Buick on his just-back-from-the-dead friend.

10:59: Jack and Tony pile in the van and they peel out.  The van is sky blue – way to be inconspicuous there, Bill.  (You gomer.)  Nevertheless they get through the second perimeter easy.

Jack now demands to know what’s going on. Just read the Underpants, Jack!  It’s 11 AM. Moop-Moop.

For the hour:

• Kills: 0.  This is getting ridiculous.  Jack better kill something soon; the possibility of having a lead on Jack Bauer has got me thinking about which friends I wouldn’t miss.
• Inanimate Objects Killed: 1 wall.
• Perimeters Breached: 2
• Chokings: 2
• Acceptable Knockouts: 1
• Uncomfortably Rape-Like Knockouts: 1

It’s been three hours and Jack’s only kill was an assist.

Zach’s Day, 10-11 AM: I watched these episodes on Saturday morning, taking pains to start at 9 AM and avoid the universe ending meta-episode where I watch Jack during the exact same hour of the day, or as I call it: “live.” (That’s scheduled for March 23^rd, by my count, so head’s up.)

From 10-11, all I did was watch an episode of 24 and take copious notes.  Towards the end of the episode, Wonder Wife came out, just as I was rewinding a particular part.  After I said to her, “Morning, baby.  Gimme one second; I gotta get the time right on this,” how she managed to keep from tearing off her PJ’s and having animal sex with me right there, I’ll never know.

For the hour:

• Animal Sex: None
• Disillusioned Spouses: 1

I haven’t told her yet that Lost starts tomorrow…