Underpants On The Outside

I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good [Ed note: not last year!], but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 11 AM – 12 Noon:  We start the show with Jack in transit.  Hallelujah.  See you in-

11:06 AM:  -SIX MINUTES?!? DAMNIT!!!  Jack arrives at “CTU Headquarters,” though until I see differently I’m going to figure it’s Bill’s apartment. I’ve never liked Bill, but now I’m actively pissed at him for living so close to the FBI and not providing me with a bunch of down time.

Jack demands to know what’s going on, specifically how Tony came back from the dead.  It’s a legitimate concern; Jack’s got a lot of dead enemies, and if they could start coming back, he needs to know now, so he has time to etch crosses on thousands and thousands of bullets.

Tony was dead for almost ten minutes, or as I like to call it, premature reanimation! Booyah!  You can feel free to use that one, if you’d like. Still: ten minutes dead?  That can’t be good for the brain, which goes a long way towards explaining Tony’s gomer-esque planning style.  [BTW, I've decided that gomer is my preferred retard-substitute.]

Tony tells Jack that he has been working for the man who revived him, named Emerson, who recruits embittered government agents to take action against their country.   Jeepers: an army of postal workers, toll booth operators and Tony.

Tony tells Jack that the only way they’re going to get to General Unpronounceable in time is if they meet back up with the Disgruntled Brigade, but they’ll assume he cut a deal. Jack agrees to help, because like Bill, he knows that he’s their only hope.

11:10 AM: Jack asks, “Outside of the three of you, who is working with you on this?”  Chloe: “It’s just the three of us.”  Jack gives her a “Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?” look.  Then he turns to Bill and says, “PLEASE tell me you have proof of this conspiracy.” Yes, of course he does!  Damn it Jack, Bill has changed! Look at his haircut and that turtleneck from Anthropologie!  He’s not the man you knew!  Oh wait – the evidence they have is only against the lowest level of conspirators, because they’ve “just begun to scratch the surface.”  That’s it; I am never standing up for Bill again.  Ever.

11:11 AM: Jack agrees to work with them, but if they give him one reason to distrust them, he’s turning them all in.  When he says “trust”, I hope he means it in the “I believe what you’re saying” way, and not the “I have faith in your abilities” way.  Tony calls Emerson and tells him he escaped with Jack, and asks where they can meet up.

11:20 AM:  After a well-deserved break, Jack and Tony are in transit.  Tony starts telling Jack about Emerson: he’s ex-British secret service, with training as both a sniper and in close-quarter combat. Tony also adds that Emerson is about two things: personal loyalty and money.  Jack says, “Sounds like you still admire him.” (Translation: “Keep it in your pants, you groupie.”)  Tony tells Jack that Emerson treated him like a brother, and Jack asks, “Is this going to be a problem?” (Translation: “Am I going to have to shoot you in the neck?”)  Tony says he’ll do what has to be done, and Jack kinda shrugs, as if to say, “Okay, but if I have to shoot you in the neck, don’t expect me to throw you another funeral.”

11:22 AM: For the record, Emerson has no trace of an English accent, like some reverse Gwyneth Paltrow.  He asks two of his men to escort Jack to the basement so that he may speak with Tony alone.  I breathe a sigh of relief, because Jack is DEFINITELY getting a kill now.  For his own sake, I hope this guy’s basement has a drain.

Emerson tells Tony that bringing Jack in was not worth the risk, and that you can’t have an unknown factor like Jack Bauer come in and mess things up.  (Just try and stop him, pal!)   Then he tells Tony that he’s going to have to kill Jack.  I’m reminded of a song lyric: “it’s like ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife.”  Tony is a spoon.

Back at “CTU,” Chloe and Bill have the following conversation:

Chloe: They’re gonna kill him!

Bill: He’ll get out of it.

Chloe: And if he doesn’t?

Bill: Then Jack’s death solidifies Tony’s position in the crew.

Way to look out for your only hope there, you ninny.

11:24 AM:   Jack knocks one henchman out with a head-butt.  The second henchman draws a gun, but Jack sweeps the leg (as he learned at Cobra Kai dojo), hits the guy in the chest with a plank, takes his gun and holds him hostage.  Emerson comes down.  Jack says he went there to do a job, and points out that Emerson is about to be a bit understaffed. Emerson buys it and Jack lets Henchman #2 go, but #2 thinks it’s a bad idea for them to hire Jack.  Actually, the bad idea is crossing Jack, as Jack proves when he shoo-  WHAT THE HELL?  Emerson shot #2 instead of Jack!!!  He just drank Jack’s milkshake!!!

During the commercial break, Jack tells me to go get an account at Bank of America, but I’m not doing jack-shit until he kills somebody.

11:36 AM:  Jack has put on what looks to be more ass-kicking-appropriate attire, though he probably changed because black is slimming.  After some uneventful conversation, Emerson says they’re going to kidnap the Prime Minister of Sangala (who is good) on behalf of General Unpronounceable (who is evil.  He’s also a Colonel.  Whoops.)  Then they will torture and kill him.   Chloe seems to be disturbed by this, but Bill’s acting like he couldn’t care less.  What a hard-ass… in a turtleneck.

11:47:  The Redhead goes to the hospital to interrogate the sniper.  His lawyers show up, but she has Janeane stall them while she presses her gun into his gunshot wound.  Yet when she backs off, he laughs at her, so she ups the ante by cutting off his air supply.   You’ve learned well, young padawan; now the student has become the master.  My Star Wars quotes are even more fitting when I realize her name is Agent Walker. Sky must be her middle name, which makes Jack Obi-Wan and goes a long way to explaining his infuriating refusal to kill anyone.

The Sniper tells the Redhead that the PM’s the next target.  She calls in an alert while Jack is still in transit.  Jack and his team of bandits invade the PM’s compound, and while Emerson and Tony each get a kill, Jack never fires a shot, and by the time they reach the prime minister, he has locked himself in a reinforced safe room that can only be opened from within.  And on that note… it’s lunchtime!

For the hour:

• Kills: ZERO.
• Knockouts: 1
• Car Rides: 2
• Movies Plagiarized: 2 (Die Hard 2, Panic Room)

Hey Fox; I know a lot of people who can go four hours without killing someone.  I don’t want to watch shows about them, either.

Zach’s Day, 11 AM – 12 Noon: Wonder Wife and I play our weekly game of Breakfast Chicken.  Here are the rules:

• One player begins by suggesting that we make a delicious breakfast, particularly, a dish that the opposing player is better at making.  For instance, WW does really well with the starches: potatoes, pancakes, biscuits, etc.  I kick-ass with eggs.
• Once one player has suggested a dish, the other player is forced to justify why that dish cannot or should not be made, such as:
  • A lack of ingredients
  • That no one likes omelets and that was a stupid suggestion
• A player may protest and whine that they don’t make a dish, but only once per game.
• Players trade suggestions of decreasing difficulty until one player is hungry enough to say “fuck it,” or both players end up eating cereal and resenting the other one’s lazy ass.

I lost.

For the hour:

• Eggs: 2 (over-medium)
• Utensils used to flip eggs: 0.  Spatulas are for pussies.
• Broken Yolks: 0.  That’s RIGHT.
• Pieces of Toast: 2

Honestly, it’s not like Jack did that much more.  This season really needs to pick up the pace.