Underpants On The Outside

I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good [Ed note: not last year!], but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Quick recap: Minutes ago, Jack shot the Redhead in the neck and buried her body in a ditch… in an effort to save her life.  I hope Jack knows what he’s doing.  I’m worried that days from now he’ll be in front of some inquiry board shouting, “I thought she’d be fine!  I mean… look at Tony!”

Jack’s Day, 1-2PM: At 1:04, Bill and Chloe arrive to clean up Jack’s mess.  Usually that means they take the girl home and buy her a new bra (he tends to “interrogate” them off) but this time it means dig her up and give her CPR.  Bill is smart enough not to give her mouth to mouth (lest Jack see that as a challenge) while Chloe grabs a shot of adrenaline.  Bill injects it into her heart, but it’s bullshit: not only does the needle slide in easily, the redhead wakes up with just a slight gasp.  New rule: anytime a filmmaker shoots a scene where someone injects adrenaline into another character’s heart, they have to mimic Pulp Fiction.  Or they can take footage straight from the movie.  Honestly, if 24 had cut from Bill and the Redhead in a ditch to John Travolta pounding on Uma Thurman’s chest, then cut right back to the ditch, I wouldn’t have minded in the slightest.

When the Redhead comes to, Bill tells her she’s going to be okay, and the only reason the Redhead is reassured is because she doesn’t know Bill at all.  “If worse comes to worst” pretty much sums up the Bill Buchanan experience.  If Bill pulled me out of a ditch, I would look around frantically for the meteor that was about to hit me.

1:06 PM:  In their van, Jack asks his pseudo-British doppelganger how he ever got hooked up with Tony.  You don’t need to know the details – what’s bizarre and interesting is when Union Jack says that he didn’t just he talk to Tony, he also “listened” to Tony.  Isn’t that what you say to a guy to explain why his wife prefers boning you?  It’s just such a weird thing to say.  Unfortunately, I’m watching this episode at 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning, and no one is around for me to discuss this with.

Jack wants to know how the deal is about to go down.  Union Jack tells him, “Don’t worry, Jack – you’re about to find out.”  Was he… was he just SMUG to Jack Bauer??? It used to be that that kind of behavior would earn a guy one of Jack’s special “lifeectomies,” but Jack just sits there and takes it.  Is this what it’s been like to be a Brett Favre fan?  (Hiyo!)

The van pulls into an abandoned plane hangar, in what looks to be a deserted industrial area.  Deserted industrial areas are possibly more essential to the 24 storylines than Jack is, but while it was relatively plausible to find these all over Los Angeles, is there any way someone finds this much unused space in D.C.?  I’m truly curious – I don’t know the city at all.

Jack asks Tony if he’s ready to betray Union Jack.  Tony does not look ready at all.  And just like when you know your significant other is pissed, but they say they’re not, Jack asks Tony if he’s sure.  Tony says yes.  Mark my words: they will get into an argument at the restaurant, drive home in silence and then get back into it as soon as they pull into the driveway.

Suddenly, Union Jack disarms Bauer and puts a gun to his head, Tony shoots a henchman, shoots Union Jack in the shoulder allowing Jack to twist away, then shoots Union Jack in the neck just as Jack comes up with a gun about two seconds too late to be useful.  I want to believe that Jack is a bottomless reservoir of violence waiting for something to break him open, but at this point, I could fearlessly key his car.

1:10 PM: Bill tells the Redhead she can’t call her office to let them know she’s alive.  She says she doesn’t work for Bill, but Bill actually stands up for himself and tells her she has to “stay dead.”  I hope this small victory of Bill’s will comfort him when Jack inevitably eats his lunch.

Bill calls to remind Jack that they need the Sangalan Prime Minister to go along with their plan.  Jack assures bill that he can convince the PM, and he does, but… the guy is handcuffed with his wife in the back of a van.  People in that situation tend to follow directions.

1:20 PM:  Tony is trying to keep Union Jack alive, but Union Jack tells him to go to hell, then actively prevents Tony from helping and dies.  Because Tony was the last person to shoot him, Tony gets the kill.

The Prime Minister doesn’t know whether to trust Jack, but his wife convinces him to.  (Jack always does better with the ladies.)  Jack gets Tony, but Tony keeps looking forlornly towards dead Union Jack.  I mean, REALLY forlornly.  I’d bet Jack is feeling jealous for reasons he can’t understand.

1:40 PM: Bill and Chloe pull in to the hangar, and for some reason, Jack springs up, runs ahead of the van, and directs them in like he’s the ground crew at an airport.   Remember… they’re parking a van… in an airplane hanger.  That’s the type of imagery used to describe having sex with a hooker.  In other words, they can pull this off without him. (Even Bill.)  I’m concerned at how Jack seems to be relishing the most minor of achievements.

1:41 PM: Jack sees the Redhead, and asks her if she’s okay. She replies, “What do you think, Jack? You shot me and buried me alive.”  This may seem like I’m throwing good money after bad, but I’m doubling down on “Jack bangs Redhead.” Not only does she look like she’s had a shower, but she’s changed from a pantsuit into dark jeans, a v-neck shirt and a leather jacket.  Unless Chloe had all that in the back of the van, it means the Redhead insisted they swing by her apartment before meeting up with Jack to try and save America.

1:43 PM: After discussing their plans, the Redhead looks peaked.  Jack asks her if she’s alright; she says she’s a bit dizzy.  He helps her sit down.  She asks him if the four of them really think they can stop this. He says “we have to.  It’s as simple as that.”  I think he means, “Normally, I’d say, ’shit yeah, I could handle this with just Chloe.’ But today… I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but it’s like I can’t get it together.  So… fingers crossed!”

Meanwhile, Jack just picked up a gigantic rifle.  Considering how many guns he’s held already, the fact that he hasn’t killed anyone is mind-boggling.

1:53  An SUV pulls up to the hangar.  Four guys get out.  This is supposed to be the exchange of the PM and his wife for some diamonds, but these new bad guys have been ordered to kill everyone when the deal is complete.  Tony meets them alone, admits to killing Union Jack, and says that he killed Jack Bauer as well; he didn’t want to split the money.

When one of the new bad guys makes a move to kill Tony, Jack shoots him from above with the rifle.  Good Lord, that took a long time.  (By the by, now that we see Jack’s rifle better, that thing looks straight out of Halo.  Knowing that, I have to say that it would have been cooler if Jack had hit them with a plasma grenade, but at this point, beggars can’t be choosers.) Tony gets a kill too.

Tony lets the last two bad guys take the PM, so they can follow them back to Colonel Whatshisface.  We’ll pick up there in the 2 o’clock hour.

For the hour:

• Kills: 1. About time, Master Chief!
• Hostages Following Orders: 2.  Oh yeah!
• Vans Parked: 1. Count it!

To quote Gandalf: I come to you now… at the turning of the tide…

Zach’s Day, 1-2 PM: So far, I’ve done a terrible job of recording the actual days 24 has aired, and I’ve had to approximate the most likely way I spent the hour.  But I actually remember this hour.  The week before, I had fucked up on a pretty important proposal.  Without getting into the details, imagine a baseball game: there’s a high pop-up, and two players go for the ball.  Each of them is calling for it, and then at the last second, they both back off to let the other guy catch it, and the ball drops to the ground.  I did that.  The ball was an $8 million proposal.

Needless to say, my boss was none too pleased.  The proposal was for a meeting that Monday morning, so the damage control kicked into high gear after lunch.

For the hour:

• Apologies: 3
• Explanations: 2 (Though to be honest, I wasn’t saying too much more than, “Don’t know – shit happens, I guess.” But seriously: shit happened. More than that and it starts becoming an excuse.)

Unfortunately for this recap, the highlight came around 5 pm, when in a final conversation with my manager, he told me that he couldn’t remember the last time he was that disappointed in one of our team members.  Go me. (And I’m just getting warmed up!)