Underpants On The Outside

I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good [Ed note: not last year!], but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Editor’s note:  It feels like I’ve been writing these forever, but I’m getting caught up tonight, come hell or high water.  Just bear with me.  Then I’ll go back to finding something different yet equally inconsequential to write about.

Jack’s Day, 3-4 PM: After Jack’s impressive hour last episode, my optimism is renewed, though guarded.  Even after the debacle of last season, I have not closed my heart to 24, and if Jack can retain his momentum of deadliness, I believe I can renew my sense of awe and fear that made me love this show.  That being said, if Audrey shows up, I’m outta here.   I don’t love the Redhead, but she’s leagues better than the Buzzkill.

3:05 PM: Jack’s crew rolls into the White House, to drop off the Prime Minister and his wife and to tell the President that her government is corrupt.  As we all know, Jack has never had trouble bending a U.S. President to his will, even during his last limp-wristed season.  But to my knowledge he’s never done it in the actual Oval Office before.  I hope he sits down in the President’s chair and puts his feet up on the desk, then bangs the Redhead in Lincoln’s bedroom, just to show this new Presidentess that he’s not messing around.

When the Presidentess hears that Jack is part of the crew that saved the PM, she is perplexed: wasn’t he part of the team that kidnapped the PM in the first place???  Yeah – he was also in Senate hearings this morning – it ain’t a big deal. The guy gets around; recognize the skills.

As soon as everybody gets in the room the Presidentess demands to know what the hell is going on.  Before Bill can answer, Jack steps up.  (The first step of Presidential Mind Control is to establish alpha-male status.  Having Bill Buchanan around always makes this step easy.)  Jack tells her that Bill discovered traitors in her cabinet, so the Presidentess asks Bill why he didn’t come to her.  Jack actually lets Bill answer for himself this time, which is nice.  Bill impresses no one with his piddly excuse of not knowing who to trust, etc…

The Presidentess takes a call from Colonel Whatshisface, when she learns that the colonel has taken her husband hostage.  The plot that led to this is so thin I’m not going to justify it by recapping it, but Jack destroyed the CIP device and saved the Prime Minister, so some new threat had to come up.  (One more thing: in case it becomes relevant later, I should say that the First Gentleman makes Bill Buchanan look positively manly and ruthless.) While the President listens, they cut off the First Gentleman’s finger. I did not see that one coming.  (But they cut off his pinkie finger – I wonder what he’ll raise when he drinks tea…)

Amazingly, the Presidentess has the stones to say that it’s cool if Colonel Whatshisface kills her husband.  (Wow. When this happened in The West Wing – which taught me all I know about Civics – Martin Sheen had to temporarily transfer power to the Vice President.  Martin Sheen, it would appear, is a pussy.)  But Jack believes he can rescue her husband, too, if she’ll just trust him.  (He’s on a roll now!)  She points out that he resigned from government service and that the Senate regards him as rogue.  How can she know where his loyalties lie?  Jack: “With all due respect, Madam President… ASK AROUND.” I don’t know a better way to say this: PWNED.  I immediately call my bookie and throw five thousand down on Jack banging the Presidentess.

3:13 PM: The Presidentess asks, “What could you even do on such short notice?”  Woman, do you know who you’re talking to???  Were you not paying attention when he just schooled you???

Jack admits that he can’t make her any promises.  This is understandable – he’s still working himself back into shape – but it doesn’t bode well for the First Gentleman.    All Jack needs her to do is stall by pretending to comply with the Colonel’s demands: the Colonel wants the Prime Minister and for the U.S. to pull back the naval forces it has positioned near Sangala.  She’s uneasy, but Jack tells her, “Madam President, you don’t have another choice.”  After Jack leaves, Bill stays behind to give the Presidentess a look that says, “He does that to me all the time. A good cry always makes me feel better…”

3:15 PM: Jack and the Redhead are given a private room to do some “detective work.”  Oh.  They actually do detective work.  The Redhead insists on pulling in Counterfeit Bill to help track down leads.  She says she trusts him, in a way that conveys what we already know – they’ve banged before.  Jack gives in easier than I thought he would, though when I think about it, emasculating her ex could be a great way of speeding up Jack’s blowjob timetable.  I think Jack’s planning on showing up to those Senate hearings with a big ol’ smile on his face.

3:16 PM:  Having believed the Redhead was dead, Counterfeit insists on seeing her before he’ll help her.  He says it’s to make sure she’s not under duress, but it’s obvious that he’s desperately trying to prevent the forgone conclusion that is Jack’s penis. He even says it’s non-negotiable, no matter how much they might be trying to save the First Gentleman’s life.  Because chicks dig it when you put yourself before your country.

3:23 PM:  Jack and the Redhead arrive at the reflecting pool to meet with Counterfeit Bill.  He tries to get romantic with her, by breathing heavily as if his breath has been taken away from him, and telling her that he thought he’d never see her again. This guy has no male friends.  I guarantee it.  Jack steps in to break this hokey shit up and get us back on track – did Counterfeit find anything in the phone records or not?  Cock: blocked, and that’s a point for Jack.  Counterfeit gives them a lead on some corrupt Secret Service agent who doesn’t strike me as very important.  I’m going to call him Evil Middle Management.

Jack suggests they split up before they even have a plan of action, showing just how badly he wanted to hit Counterfeit Bill with the dreaded Double-Headed Cock-Block.  Jack wants to know if Evil Middle Management has a family, because the guy used to be Special Forces, and Jack figures the only way they’ll break him in time is to make him think they’ll hurt his family.  The Redhead seems uneasy with this, and Counterfeit Bill looks like his water just broke. Jack yells at their naïve asses: “You’ve got one of two choices.  You can call the President and tell her that Your CONSCIENCE won’t let you do what’s necessary to save [the First Gentleman], or you can do what’s necessary.  PICK ONE.”  (Emphasis his.)  Jack has yet to kill any people in this episode, but it’s fair to say he just murdered the Redhead’s willpower and Counterfeit Bill’s esteem.

The Redhead is silent, but you know she’s on board.  Counterfeit tries to get her to think about it more, because at this point, Counterfeit Bill’s last hope is guilt-tripping the Redhead into bed with him. (That stratagem has always been the core of my game.  Yes, even with my wife.)  She shuts him down by saying just his name and walking away.  You can practically smell the melodrama.  Then Jack tells Counterfeit that he needs his car.  Other than an open-handed slap, I wonder how Jack could humiliate this guy further. I imagine a birthday party for Counterfeit’s son, when “Uncle Jack” shows up with a gift-wrapped Xbox and Counterfeit looks down at the brand-new baseball mitt in his hands and realizes that he can never win.  Ever.

Counterfeit tells Jack to look at himself, pointing out that Jack’s lost everything and everyone he’s ever had by doing what he thinks is necessary.  He vows not to let Jack do that to the Redhead.  She won’t end up like him.  Oh… my…god.  He just took a stand!  That is so ADORABLE (and dumb)!  Jack’s response: “Are you going to give me your keys or not?”  This is possibly the worst torture I’ve ever witnessed Jack perform on a human being. He has completely dismantled the man.  I don’t like Counterfeit, but even he never did anything to deserve this…

Oooooooooooooh, Counterfeit throws the keys at Jack! That’s the spirit!  If bullet wounds won’t stop him, maybe some good ol’ passive aggression will!  (He’s lucky Jack didn’t grab the keys out of the air and throw them back through his neck out of reflex.)

Then Counterfeit calls after Jack: “The rules are what make us better, Jack.” Jack: “Not today.”  Game, set, match.  Both men walk away forcefully; Jack to stop terror, Counterfeit to get a bus.

3:28 PM: Back in the Oval Office, the Prez and her Chief of Staff are trying to figure out how to make Colonel Whatshisface think they’re complying with his demands, particularly the one about handing over the Prime Minister. Bill comes up with the idea of using a lookalike.  I can immediately think of three reasons this plan can go wrong, and the first two are “It was Bill’s idea.”

3:29 PM:  While Jack races to find Evil Middle Management, the Redhead goes to his house and storms in on his wife and baby, telling the woman, “Shut up and do what I tell you and there’s a chance you’ll live through this.”  The training wheels are off and so far she’s doing okay, but that might change when we come back from commercial.

3:36 PM:  That’s what I was afraid of: the Redhead has lost control.  She wasn’t really on-board with the whole “terrorize family” plan to begin with, but now that there’s a baby crying and a young mother asking how she can be so cruel, she’s caught in the conflict between her conscience and her desire to turn Jack on through sadism.

Meanwhile, Jack speeds to catch up with Evil Middle Management’s car.  He’s going to cut him off, but Counterfeit butts in: “But Jack, that’s a one-way street!”  Of course they are, nitwit! When Jack’s on the road, every street is a one-way street, and they all point whichever way Jack’s headed.  It’s the other drivers who are wrong.  Jack rams the crap out of Middle Management’s car.  Middle Management is stunned from the crash, and Jack doesn’t help his condition by whapping him with the butt of his pistol. Jack drags him to a nearby building, throws him in the vestibule, kicks him, points a gun at him, shouts at him… y’know, the Jack Bauer Opening Ceremonies.  I can’t wait until this guy gets home to his wife.  Whenever I have a day and my wife does to, I always find myself subtly trying to one-up her to prove my day was worse.  I’m not sure why – it’s not like the winner receives a free hour of oral sex – yet I keep on doing it, and I suspect I’m not alone.  Anyway, when these two go at it it’s going to be a match for the ages.

Since Evil Middle Management won’t tell Jack where Colonel Whatshisface is, Jack calls the Redhead and tells her to put the wife on speakerphone.  While EMM listens, the Redhead bends over the baby.  We can’t see what she’s doing, but the baby sure is crying a lot.  EMM agrees to talk.  After they hang up, Jack says, “Tell me now or the situation for your family goes from bad to worse.”  That’s a pretty bad-ass line. Middle Management asks, “How do I know you won’t hurt them after I talk?”  Jack: “You don’t.” That’s like eight or nine bad-ass lines for the episode, and we’re not even two-thirds through.

Middle Management spills the beans, but then a random guy walks in, and when Jack turns to yell at him Middle Management kicks the gun out of his hand and draws a knife.  That knife will be used to kill him before I can finish typing this – yep.

Jack walks out to his car and yells at some bystanders.  You can tell he’s at “Full-Bauer” because he’s yelling at everyone – I don’t think Jack’s using his inside voice again in the three o’clock hour.  Then he commandeers a vehicle.  I wishCounterfeit Bill were somehow driving it, just so Jack could take two cars from the man…

3:45:  The Presidentess, following Bill’s suggestion, sends out the lookalike of the Prime Minister.  When I say, “sends out,” I mean, “sends to a certain death.”

Jack calls the Redhead to tell him where he’s going (a Korean grocer where Colonel Whatshisface has a hideout in the basement) and he makes a point of telling her not to go in without him.  That’s a good call: the Redhead’s ability to conduct a solo invasion tops out at “unarmed mother and baby.”  When Jack tells her that he killed Middle Management, she goes white.  Jack asks her if she’s alright.  As her eyes tear up, she says, “No, I don’t think I am.”  There’s no way Jack has time for this conversation – it’s the whole premise of the show.

Jack tells her that no one would blame her if she quit now.  He even says that maybe she should get out now.  She replies, “Maybe I should… TOMORROW.”  Looks like someone’s been taking classes at the Jack Bauer School of Melodrama!

3:46 PM: The Redhead calls Counterfeit Bill, who can’t wait to ask, “Where are you going – I’ll send a SWAT team.”  Ooooh, a SWAT team!  Look at the big boy!  Then he tries to condemn her for intimidating Middle Management’s wife.  See what I meant about the guilt trip?  When she tells him that Middle Management got killed, Counterfeit starts throwing a full-on hissy fit.  I hate this guy.  I can’t say it enough.

Colonel Whatshisface gets a call from his girlfriend’s sister, who wants him to break up with her sister.  I would have thought he’d be a bit busy since he’s, y’know… holding the President’s husband hostage, but screw that – the Colonel leaves his subordinates to handle everything (read: get killed by Jack.)

3:53 PM: Bill’s plan goes about as well as could be expected: the lookalike’s car gets shot by a goddamn rocket launcher.  I wouldn’t let Bill Buchanan plan my grocery list.

3:55 PM:  Jack and the Redhead arrive at the bodega where Colonel Whatshisface is hiding the First Gentleman.  The basement is locked, but Jack has the ultimate skeleton key: a gun to point at whoever has the actual keys.  Even though the guy obeys Jack commands, Jack knocks him out.  This is probably the closest Jack ever comes to acting like a “kid in a candy store.”

Jack and the Redhead storm the basement.  Jack gets three, wounds one, and the Redhead even gets a kill.  Unfortunately the guy Jack wounded limps back towards the First Gentleman.  Jack slides across the floor and shoots the guy for the kill, but his style points probably won’t make up for the fact that the guy manages to shoot the First Gentleman in the chest. EPIC. FAIL.  Jack starts doing some CPR, and shouts, “GET AN AMBULANCE!” as the Redhead stares on in shock. Moop moop.

For the hour:

• Kills: 6 (one knife; four gunshot, one manhood)
• Knockouts: 1
• Vehicles Commandeered: 2
• Cocks Blocked: 1 (twice)
• Bad-ass lines: 3
• Overall Success: -1

Two steps forward, one gigantic step back.  Jack has an awfully awkward conversation coming in the four o’clock hour…

Zach’s Day, 3-4 PM: You probably wouldn’t believe how guilty I’ve felt for being so behind in my 24 posts.  As I was writing this, I grew frustrated by how little I’ve kept track of my activities.  It’s been unacceptable, and so I decided I would go back and use every tool at my disposal to track my activities between three and four.  First, I looked at my calendar: no meetings. Then I looked at my email.

3:00 – 3:14 PM:  I am “off the grid.”  It is safe to assume that I was making myself a latte at the Magic Kingdom’s espresso machine.  It often ends up taking a while because I used to work in a coffee shop and other people ask me to make them one too, because my foam is the bomb.  My milkfoam brings all the boys to the yard…

3:14 PM – 4:00 PM:  I send twenty-three emails.

For the hour:

• Kills: 0
• Knockouts: 0
• Vehicles Commandeered: 0
• Bad-ass lines: 0, unless I schooled somebody at the espresso machine and can’t remember it
• Emails: 23
• Lattes: 2
• Tips: 0

I take what solace I can in the thought that Jack Bauer probably does not have the gentle touch required for good milk foam. In fact, I can see him holding a pitcher of milk to the steam “wand” (that’s what they call it – I swear) and hitting the steam button intermittently while yelling “TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!”