Underpants On The Outside

I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good [Ed note: not last year!], but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 4-5 PM: As you’ll recall from the post I put up just a few hours ago, when we last saw Jack the Presidentess’s husband had been shot and the Redhead seemed to be hanging on by a thread.  She really seems like she could lose it at any second.  She’s looking, like… Sally Field crazy.

4:02 PM: The EMT’s arrive.  Good thing the ambulance made out of unicorns wrapped in magic carpets was available.  When one of the EMT’s is calling in to the hospital, Jack points out that it was a 9mm bullet.  I’m not sure that was pertinent at this point, but whatever.  Then he calls the Presidentess.  He can’t be looking forward to this conversation: he lost Colonel Whatshisface, her husband has been shot, and the one piece of information he does have – that it was a 9mm bullet – probably isn’t going to make her feel better.

Jack points out that the Colonel probably has an exit strategy, so whatever they’re going to do, they’re going to have to do it fast.  Just once I’d like to see Jack say, “Never mind – I’ll take care of it tomorrow.”

After Jack gets off the phone with her, the Presidentess wants to go to the hospital to be with her husband. Seeing as how there were Secret Service agents involved in the plot against her, the Chief of Staff thinks this is a bad idea.  In fact, the only way this idea could get worse is if Bill were to drive her to the hospit-

Oh.  Bill just volunteered to drive her to the hospital.  Taps starts playing in my head.  The Chief of Staff agrees with me that this isn’t a good idea, so Bill reminds the Presidentess of his record of service, not realizing that it’s his record of service that concerns everyone.  Before Bill refers to his service record again, I would recommend that he check out a few of the forty DVDs currently offered by Netflix that are chock-full of his incompetence.

The Chief of Staff reminds Bill he doesn’t have the authority.  My notes don’t specify what authority he referred to, but that statement’s true in every sense I can think of.

Bill tells the Presidentess that he’s the one who brought the conspiracy to her attention and therefore he believes he’s earned her trust.  Bill doesn’t seem to understand that you can trust someone yet still not trust IN them.  For instance, Wonder Wife trusts me.  If she trusted IN me I wouldn’t have to eat over a tarp no less than six feet from our couch.

The Presidentess is actually stupid enough to grant Bill provisional authority to run this investigation.    Bill also wants to bring in Chloe to run operations and to cut his steak for him. His request is granted.  On one hand, I’m happy for Jack, but on the other, it would have been hilarious to see him have the following conversation:  “Oh hey, Bill. Can you put Chloe on? …What do you mean she’s not there? …Are you telling me there’s no Chloe?  That I’m flying BLIND here??? … No, Bill, I didn’t mean blind; that came out wrong… of course you’re helpful… no, you’re not chopped liver.  Listen, Bill? You’re breaking up. I’m about to go into a parking structure.  Come to think of it, I’m pretty busy today; can I call you tomorrow?”  (And scene!)

4:06 PM:  The vicious, evil, fascist dictator Colonel Whatshisface goes to meet his girlfriend at the diner where she works. (This is just as silly as it sounds.)  He tells her that he needs to leave the country immediately due to some immigration thing, (he’s pretending to be in the states on a work visa) but he wants her to join him on his estate in Belize.  He’s also ready to give her twenty-five million dollars, just as soon as she gives him her bank account info so he can have the funds wired from his kingdom in Nigeria.

4:09 PM:  Jack and Redhead search the basement for clues… SURPRISE, SURPRISE, COUNTERFEIT BILL CALLS!  He’s upset because he heard that she was in a firefight.  He says he heard it from Bill Buchanan, and I can only imagine that conversation: “I’m incompetent.”  “She loves me… she loves me not.”  “What’s this button do?”  “Mommy?”

Counterfeit asks her if she’s okay, and she says she is.  He replies, “Really?  I’m not so sure about that.”  I really hope this guy dies in service to our country.  Soon.

Now Counterfeit is giving her shit because of what she did at Evil Middle Management’s house.  Jack looks over and sees her on the phone as she’s being berated, and he knows he just lost some ground.  When he calls to her, she looks at him with terror and disgust.  I get that she’s distraught, but she needs to decide whether she’s going to be on Jack’s nuts or not.  I’m getting sick of this “will she/won’t she” nonsense.  GIVE IN TO YOUR WOMANLY URGES, FIRECROTCH!

Jack tells her he pulled some data off of the criminals’ Blackberries and found transactions from a bank account registered to the same address.

4:19 PM: Real Chloe shows up at the FBI.  When Counterfeit Bill asks Fake Chloe Garofalo to open a secure line for Real Chloe, the two Chloes glare at each other.  This ought to be sexy, but it’s really not.

Counterfeit Bill puts Chloe in a conference room.  Chloe gently points out that the glass walls leave her a bit exposed, seeing as how there are traitors in just about every single government agency.  She must give each new supervisor one screw-up before she reduces them to a useless husk of a man (see: Buchanan, Bill) with her biting sarcasm.

Counterfeit informs Chloe that remote modules won’t work on their network.  She says, “That’s stupid, whoever set your network up that way didn’t know what they were doing.”  Awkward silence.  “I set our network up that way.”  I take back every bad thing I ever said about Chloe.  I want to make savage love to her right now.

Counterfeit Bill stares at Chloe as she starts to set up her equipment.  Finally he asks her if she worked with Jack long.  She says she did.  He says that it’s impressive that she survived the experience; a lot of people didn’t.  Chloe asks if he’s saying that all of the dead people in Jack’s past are his fault.  The snide motherfucker replies, “You tell me.”  Whatever compassion I felt as Jack negated the very concept of this guy’s masculinity is gone. In fact, I’m going to go download that episode and watch it over and over.

Chloe let’s Counterfeit know that “Jack Bauer is the most trustworthy honorable man I know.  And he’s my friend.  Maybe you should worry less about him and more about the mole in your office.” Counterfeit just nods in submission.  Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahah!  PWNED!!!!  I will name my firstborn child Chloe.  Even if it’s a dude.

4:20 PM:  Fake Chloe gets word that Real Chloe might not be from Homeland Security, which is the cover story  Counterfeit Bill came up with. It’s obvious that she’s somehow going to mess Real Chloe up.  It’s a shame, because I really like Janeane Garofalo as a comedian, and I even think she’s sexy, but her whiny, spineless character works my last nerve.

4:21 PM:  Colonel Whatshisface meets with yet another corrupt government agent to ask for fake passports, and for a car to pick up his girlfriend.  The two men meet in the lobby of a “Washington DC hotel” that just happens to be the same hotel in Los Angeles where Wonder Wife and I were married.  Since she made all the plans, does that mean that my wife somehow supports terrorism???  Oh crap – she just sat down next to me.  SEND HELP.

4:24 PM:  The Colonel’s girlfriend is trying to pack when Jack and the Redhead bust in, guns drawn.  I guess that the Colonel had registered his accounts with his girlfriend’s address – didn’t he just do the Nigerian Prince scam backwards?!?  It’s a shame he’s not going to be able to go through with his plans, because I really wanted to see what came after “Step 1: Lie to girlfriend and tell her we’re going to Belize, but really put her on a plane to Africa.  Step 2: Have her sister killed because that chick annoys me.”  If she had even a small amount of geographical knowledge, it seems like his whole scheme would fall apart somewhere around eight or nine hours into the flight when she looked out of the plane and saw nothing but Atlantic Ocean.

Jack shows her a picture of the Colonel and asks if she has any idea what this man is. She says, “He’s everything to me.” Awwwww… her “everything” has less than fifteen hours to live.

4:30 PM: Bill successfully gets the Presidentess to the hospital.  I’d be amazed if I wasn’t so pissed – I just lost ten grand.

4:32 PM:  The Presidentess asks Bill to find someone locate her estranged daughter and bring her to the hospital. Bill says he knows just the guy.  Perhaps we’ve finally found something Bill can be successful in: a shuttle service.

Back on the other side of town, I’m amazed at how compassionate Jack is as he explains to the girlfriend that while she thought she was escaping to a large estate in Belize where her wealthy boyfriend would take care of her and her paraplegic sister, it turns out that she’s just been punk’d.  Oh, but before she goes to the diner to beg for her job back, Jack needs her to something incredibly dangerous, and lead them to Colonel Whatshisface.

The Redhead is appalled that Jack is willing to risk the waitress’s life.  Wait a minute… melodramatic… doesn’t condone Jack’s plans… why does this sound familiar?

4:38 PM: Counterfeit Bill announces Chloe’s return on the phone.  Remember in Pulp Fiction, when Julius hears that Marcellus Wallace is sending the Wolf?  I wish I could hear Jack say, “You’re sending Chloe???  Shiiiiiiiiiit, negro!  That’s all you had to say!”  Jack needs her to track the waitress’s cell phone, but Chloe points out that the network is screwing up her ability to do her job as quickly as she normally could. Who set up the network again?  Chloe’s been working for Counterfeit for nineteen minutes and she’s already determined that he’s worthless.

Meanwhile Fake Chloe tries to illegally monitor whatever Chloe’s doing.

4:44 PM: Aaron Pierce picks up the First Daughter – it’s a 24 reunion!  As some of you may remember, Aaron was a Secret Service agent last season, who was remarkable if only because he was possibly the only person who wasn’t a total train wreck, and I’m including Jack in that estimation.  I’m a big fan of him.  Too bad he’s working for Buchanan Taxi and Limousine.

Apparently Fake Chloe Garofalo is worried that they’re bringing in Real Chloe to replace her.  That’s because it would be a smart thing to do.  She obtains a “beta key,” which sounds really high-tech considering it’s a flash drive with some meaningless digital numbers flashing on it.  The key allows her to monitor what Chloe’s doing, just as Chloe gets the tracking set up.

4:48 PM:  The plan is for Jack and the Redhead to follow the waitress using her cell phone as a beacon. The Redhead starts to tell the waitress that if she gets jumpy, she can always signal them by dialing- but Jack interrupts, and says she shouldn’t do anything to raise the driver’s suspicion. Once the waitress is out of earshot, Jack and the Redhead get into a spat. Jack points out that they have no other options.  The Redhead doesn’t like this, but Jack points out that “This isn’t about [her.]“  Then he gives her yet another speech about doing what they have to do, blah blah blah.  It looks like he’s getting sick of going over this once every hour.  Can’t say I blame him.   The waitress is picked up, and Jack and Chloe start to follow as Chloe directs them.  Meanwhile, Fake Chloe is watching everything.

4:55 PM: Someone walks by, panicking Fake Chloe.  She pulls out her “beta key,” not realizing that the pull-out method is ineffectual. As you might expect, it completely screws up Chloe’s tracking.  Jack yells at Chloe, and Counterfeit comes to Chloe’s defense.  Someone needs to tell him that this is how things get done, CTU-style.

Suddenly Metro Police swarm Jack’s car.  He yells at Counterfeit to do something, but he must know that’s not going to work.  What the hell is going on?  Jack gets boxed in.  Police jump out of their cars, and Jack attempts to introduce himself, which typically opens a lot of doors and/or panties, but they can’t hear him. Jack is hauled out of the car and handcuffed, while yelling, “Do something, [Counterfeit!]”

Chloe finds a warrant for Jack’s arrest.  Fake Chloe confides what she did and saw with this scumbag-seeming FBI agent who turns out to be YET ANOTHER corrupt federal employee.  The 24 writers seem to believe that there’s no situation so unbelievable that it can’t be explained by an unscrupulous government employee.  We learn that the scumbag is the one who put out the fake warrant on Jack, and he also alerts other members of the UEFA (Union of Evil Federal Agents) that the waitress is working against them.

4:59 PM: Jack is in cuffs as the Colonel learns of his girlfriend’s betrayal.  The Colonel says he’ll kill her himself.  He also gets a mean look on his face, so we know he’s serious.  Moop moop.

For the hour:

• Kills: 0 humans, 1 relationship
• Knockouts: 0
• Arrests: -1

Not a great hour for Jack, but we’re still mired in the Hours of Futility, so that’s to be expected.

Zach’s Day, 4-5 PM: President’s Day!  Whoo!  Valentine’s Day!  Three day weekend!  Par-TAY!

Let me tell you guys, after a weekend as unforgettable as that one, I can tell you EXACTLY what I was doing from 4-5 PM.  Wonder Wife and I did it UP.  On Saturday, we celebrated Valentine’s Day by having the cable guy show up at 7 AM.  On Sunday we did our laundry, and then on Monday, we had an electrician come in to fix some highly-funky wiring in our house!  Then we did our taxes!

For the hour:

• I found and totaled all of the receipts for my 2008 comic book purchases.  $813.47.  I figured it was deductible, seeing as how it was research for my writing and on-camera work at the NY Comic Con.  TurboTax decided it was insignificant.

Whoo.  Par-tay.