Underpants On The Outside

Alright, you know what time it is.  Like every season, Fox makes me work for it, with two two-hour episodes to open the season.  Let’s do this.

Jack’s Day, 4 – 5pm: For some reason, at the beginning of every season, they feel it necessary to remind people that “Events occur in real time.”  I think it’s safe to assume by now that everyone in America has taken a ride on this show’s one-trick pony.  That being said, I kinda wish I could experience the unadulterated joy of someone who has been struggling through the show for four or five years (but always turning on the first episode twenty seconds too late) and finally… in one glorious moment… it all makes sense.

This season, Jack is in New York.  I live in New York, and there have been a ton of ads with the tag line, “This season, New York gets Jacked.”  Even if “jacked” wasn’t a euphemism for “mugged”, this is still a phenomenally poor piece of copy writing.  Let me put it this way – knowing Jack Bauer, would you ever want your son or daughter getting “jacked?”  No, because it would either involve death, dismemberment, or semen in the face.  Well, don’t do that to the place where I live, Fox.

4:01 PM: A guy in a red sweatshirt gets out of a cab and goes into a building with crackheads in it.  We are one minute in and already the thin thread of reality has snapped.  Allow me to explain:

Seconds ago, that cab was driving down a street with neon and flashing lights. There are a few places that look like that, but all of them are in places where those crack fiends would need to be pulling in $500k a year minimum.   Again, events may occur in real TIME, but in no place that really EXISTS.  Either that, or I really need to try crack… as an investment.  Also, plot point: the guy in the red sweatshirt nearly got assassinated outside of this magical Park Avenue flophouse, but the sniper couldn’t get of the shot in time.

4:02 PM: Red sweatshirt goes up to his friend’s apartment, and discovers the guy has been shot in the head.  He tries to get in touch with some other guy, only to discover he has been shot in the head too.  I’m glad I’m not in this guy’s yearbook.

4:03 PM:  He pulls a jacket switcheroo with a nasty-looking crackhead to create a diversion, hotwires a car and jets out.  Unfortunately, the sniper shoots him in the shoulder as he pulls by. But it’s not the bullet wound that concerns me; it’s that dude now has an open wound pressing up against a jacket that moments ago was worn by a crackhead. A crackhead in Armani, but still – the guy was smoking crack. That’s how people get infected.

4:04 PM: Jack is napping on a couch with a blond girl sitting on him.  Not that way, you pervs; she’s like four.  She wakes him by calling him Jack, but that’s only to set up Jack’s cliché SHOCKER line of “call me grandpa.”  You know what would have made this revelation shocking?  If they hadn’t shown it eighty times already in commercials.

She tells him the show he turned on is boring.  Shut up, girl!  He just woke up!  You know grandpa wakes up grumpy (a.k.a. stabby!)  Luckily, he doesn’t punch her in the throat.

Jack gets a call from his daughter, Ki- DEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO OFFEND THEE?!?  Why have you taken away Elisha Cuthbert’s hotness????  What the hell happened to her?  I never saw the first seasons of 24, but fans seem to agree that Kim was useless as a character.  Do you know what she wasn’t useless as?  Something for me to look at as I masturbated.  Now she looks positively inflated.  (My penis?  Not so much.)  Am I being unfairly judgmental?  Holding women to an impossible standard? Technically, no, I’m not.  I’m only holding one woman to an impossible standard, and I’m sticking to it.  TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER FOR A JOG, JACK.

[Ed note: After taking another look, it's actually possible that Elisha hasn't put on weight.  Take a look.  Before:

After:

They may just be dressing her like she’s fatter.  I don’t care who is responsible.  I just want it to stop.]

Anyway, back to the story.  Kim has some dumb conversation with her husband about trying to get Jack to move back to California, with vague allusions to some kind of medical treatment he has just finished with.  They were probably just bleaching the blood stains off his hands.  Something like that could take months.  Lady MacBeth’s got nothing on Mister MacBauer.

4:07: PLOT POINT.  We see the President (the same chick from last season) in negotiations with representatives from a country that for all intents and purposes is either “Shmiran” or “Shmaudi “Shmarabia.”  It’s not important.  All you need to know is that the President of Shmiran is one smooth cat, and his second-in-command (his brother) is rather hot under the collar and idealistic.  That’s how I know that he is either going to be a central figure in the terrorist plot to come, or he is a red herring set by the 24 writers.  One or the other.  You heard it here first.  Feel free to take a moment if your mind has been blown.  I’ve only covered seven minutes of the show, after all.

4:10  Jack tells his daughter he’ll move back with them to LA – tonight!  Oh dear…  I hope Jack bought that insurance that allows you to cancel your ticket without penalties.  Something tells me he’s about to be visited by a man in with a bullet wound and a serious need for Neosporin.

4:21 – Jack is packing up.  That’s… odd.  Usually moves are a little bit more logistically challenging.  Does his apartment have no lease?  Did it come furnished?  These are the things I think about while I’m watching this show.

There is a knock on the door.  He knows the shot man, who I will name Gangrene.  It doesn’t matter – he’s dying soon anyway.  Mark it, dude.  Jack’s ready to kick him out, but Gangrene says there’s going to be a hit on the Shmiranian President… and there’s only one man who can help him! Apparently Gangrene actually helped put the plan in motion, but now the assassins are covering their tracks.  Jack tells Gangrene that he needs his weapon.  As soon as Jack gets his hands on it, he puts it in Gangrene’s neck and starts shouting.  I don’t think Jack is really trying to get new information – I think this is just how he gets the feel for any new gun.

What the- we cut to CTU, and it looks like Freddie Prinze Jr will be playing the Tony Almeida “vaguely Hispanic sidekick” role.  Freddie Prinze Jr.???  AND STARBUCK!  HOLY CRAPK1!!!  (That’s what I actually typed at the time.  See, I just recently finished watching Battlestar Galactica – which is awesome – and the woman who played Starbuck – the typo-prone Katee Sackhoff – is apparently the “Chloe” of the New York CTU.  This was shocking for me.)   Moments later, I discover that the actual Chloe works there too, but she can’t seem to figure out the computer systems.  That’s… weird.  Chloe can’t work the computer and Jack has cancer.  I’m getting old.

Jack calls Chloe – tells him to get the director and tell him that it’s a plot to yada yada yada.  You know the drill.  We just got started.  We’re knee deep in the Hours of Futility.  Sure enough, the director “needs more than [Jack’s] instinct.”  Something tells me that he’ll be changing that little tune in the next 23.5 hours.  I would follow Jack’s instincts over Lassie’s. During the call, Chloe has trouble pulling up a file from the archives.  Is Chloe a grandmother too?  Am I going to have to go over and help her set up her voicemail? [True story: until a week ago, my mom’s voicemail greeting said “Please leave a message” and then ten seconds of silence followed by her saying “please leave a message” again.   I wish I could have been there to see that shit show unfold.]

4:27:  Jack is told to take Gangrene five blocks to a police precinct where he will be picked up by Freddie Prinze Jr. in a helicopter.  Me; I’ll get carried away by his dreamy good looks.  BTW, no one tells Jack whether these are avenue blocks or street blocks. If you don’t live in New York, trust me: it’s a huge difference, though I don’t think Gangrene is going to make it either which way.

4:39: Jack calls Kim to tell her he’ll be a little late.  (ABOUT 24 HOURS LATE!)

4:41: Running down an alley Gangene faints into a pile of trash, and Jack’s going to have to perform some alleyway surgery.  Oh my lord – Jack actually cuts a piece of material from a mattress that was lying in an alleyway and wraps Gangrene’s crack-jacketed wound in it.  I bet this is how HIV started.

4:48:  Cops show up.  Jack does his bit where someone points a gun at him and he introduces himself.  This is because Jack points guns at men more than he shakes hands at them.  This would appear to be the only situation Jack consistently fails in.  Sure enough…

Uh oh.  The bad guys show up and kill the cops.   Jack shoots his way into locked building and tells Patient Zero to head to the roof.  He admits that he’s out of bullets.  That means two guys are about to get killed by gumption.

Ok, Jack just told Chloe he’s on 21^st and ninth ave.  That’s in a neighborhood called Chelsea, and is 5 blocks from where I work.  The Magic Kingdom is in peril!!!  I’m working from home for the rest of the week.

4:56.  HOLY. SHIT.  Jack just killed one guy with a fire ax (!!!) then pushed the first (dying) guy into the second guy, knocking him over the railing.  Jack just killed a guy with an ax, then if that wasn’t bad-ass enough, he killed a second guy… WITH A DEAD GUY.  I think it’s safe to say that THOSE GUYS JUST GOT JACKED.  (If you think about it, the first guy got Jacked all over his chest, which makes me giggle immaturely.)  Who the hell needs bullets after all?  Oh.  Apparently Jack does, cause he just picked up some guns. They probably help him sleep on the plane.

Jack and Patient Zero head to the roof of a parking garage where Deamboat shows up.  Jack hands Patient Zero over and says that he’s gotta go – he has flight to catch.  Silly Jack…  Just as he turns, he sees a missile trail heading for the copter.  The helicopter gets blown up as Jack dives on top of Freddie Prinze Jr., living the dream had by millions of women… several years ago.

With his last infectious breath, Patient Zero tells Jack that the hit man has someone on the inside.  Someone close to the Shmiranian President.  Tell us something we don’t know, guy – there’s always someone on the inside.  Have you never seen this show before?

As we end the hour, Jack has two kills and is hopefully on the way to the nearest bottle of hand sanitizer.

For the hour:

• Introductions at gunpoint: 1
• Kills: 1 for gravity, 1.5 for badass ax to the chest.  Never LARP with Jack Bauer.
• Successful Prisoner Transfers: -1

Pretty solid hour.  For perspective though, bear in mind that Jack thinks that he’s still on the way to the airport. In other words, this was an acceptable commute for him.

Jack’s Day, 5 – 6 PM:

5:01 PM: The director of CTU, who really needs a nickname, tells Jack over the phone that he needs Jack to come into the office.  Listening to a grown man confess his need to be near Jack makes me miss good ol’ Bill Buchanan.

5:10 PM:  Starbuck figures out that the inside man is really a woman – a member of the press the Shmiranian president has been boning. UN security arrests her, but it’s the second episode; I’m pretty sure she’s innocent.

5:14 PM:  Chloe actually asks in a meeting if anyone else thinks this is all happening too fast and too easily.  My point exactly, Chloe.   Four minutes later, when Jack hears that they caught the assassin, he asks with complete incredulity, “Really?  Already?”  At the next CTU Christmas party, Jack should just give out boxed sets of the first three seasons of 24 on DVD. Otherwise he’s going to have to earn their trust the hard (and likely fatal) way.

5:19 PM:  Jack tells Fat Kim that he’ll meet them at the airport. (She’ll be at the Au Bon Pain, Jack.) What’s really dumb is that while Jack is skeptical about the plot being solved, he still thinks he’s making his flight.  He’s obviously not too clear on the concept either.

5:20 PM: Chloe tells Jack that she thinks the reporter chick was framed, and that the assassin is still out there.  Jack’s reply: “it’s not my problem.” Every time Jack says that, an angel gets stabbed in the knee.  Somewhere in New York, the Shmiranian President just shat himself for reasons he doesn’t understand.

5:32: As a favor to Chloe, Jack tries to get the CTU director to listen, but he won’t. As the director leaves, Jack mutters “I hate this place.”  Someone better smear lamb’s blood on the door posts, quick.

5:33:  Chloe keeps pressing until Jack snaps at her.  Now Chloe pulls the guilt trip.  “You’ve asked me to do crazy things, and I’ve always taken your side.  Please… help me.  I can’t do this by myself.”  I would like to hear more about the crazy things Jack has asked of Chloe.

5:34: Jack sounds like he’s tearing up.   “I’m sorry.. I can’t…”  That’s another angel who’s flying with a limp from now on.

5:35:  Jack’s family shows up to take him to the airport.  His granddaughter hands him a painting that redefines terrible paintings by children.  Then Kim tells Jack that she talked to Chloe, and that she’s OK if Jack wants to save New York.  They’re both tearing up, though in Kim’s case I’d say she’s blubbering.  What’s the big deal?  There’s another flight at the exact same time tomorrow.  He’ll be free.  Trust me.

5:37:  Jack is a go.  I repeat, Jack is a go.  He and Chloe are going rogue!

5:42:  They take the journalist lady to the interrogation room, which looks a lot like Darth Vader’s relaxation chamber.  I can’t wait to see Jack get his stab on in there.

5:53:  The real assassin shows up at a house in a suburban looking neighborhood.  The only reason I mention this is because twenty minutes ago he was in Manhattan, and now he’s either in/on: Long Island, New Jersey, Connecticut or deep in Brooklyn. None of these things is possible.  Jack is either going up against a mutant or a wizard.  Luckily we know he’s good with a battle ax.

For the hour:

• Kills: 0
• KO’s: 0
• Art for his refrigerator: 0.  I’m telling you, that painting was horrid.
• Angels crippled by Jack’s apathy: 2

Man up, Jack.  You just killed a dude with an ax.  I would be high-fiving everyone I saw, not crying.

Z’s Day, 4-6 PM: I was watching the only good game of the weekend, Jets v. Chargers.  Does anyone else agree with me that Nate Kaeding’s helmet looks weird on him?  I think he has a bizarrely small head, because every time he puts on his helmet he looks like an eight year old.  That is all.

• Kills:0
• KO’s: 0
• Calories consumed (est.): 1200
• Physical exertion: 0