Underpants On The Outside

When we last left Jack, he was chasing down Chloe’s longshot lead on a guy who may have framed the reporter… oh, you either watch the show or you don’t care.  Let’s just agree that Jack has to find out where some guy went once.  If Fox wants me to recap better, they’ll stop showing four-hour premieres.

6:05 PM:  Jack shows up at the corner of “Broadway and West 23rd, in Queens.”  At the time the show aired, I was SURE that such a location does not exist – that they had just thrown together three New York sounding locations, like, the corner of Statue of Liberty and Yankee Stadium, in the East River.  Turns out, I don’t know shit.  There is a Broadway and 23rd in Queens. I will never disbelieve anything I see or hear on this show again.  The only error is that you’d never call it West 23rd, as Queens is east of Manhattan.  In your face, 24 writers!

Jack pays some kid $100 to find out that the guy he’s looking for went into a house.  Because we – the viewers at home – are omniscient gods, we know that this is because the assassin has set up a false identity as a member of the NYPD. The house belongs to another member of his squad, who is due on the Shmiranian President’s security detail.  The Assassin wants to switch shifts with the other cop, so that he’ll be on the President’s detail instead.  Got it?  Awesome.  Now we’re all omniscient.

6:09: Jack looks in the window and sees that Good Cop and his wife have been murdered.  Jack draws his gun.

6:10: Jack kicks in the door.  The way I see it, Jack just tortured a building.

6:11: Other Cops show up at the door, and Jack realizes he’s fucked, because Bad Cop is gone, and in general it’s not good to be a guy holding a gun in a room with a dead cop.  Luckily, I’m sure Jack will be able to sort this out with a sentence that begins, “My name is Jack Bauer…”   Sidenote: One of the cops is the guy who played Herc, in The Wire.  I think it’s the 24 producers’ way of admitting that their show blows.  Rather than write a good show, they’ll just use actors from other shows we’re fond of.  (And Freddie Prinze Jr.)

6:13: Jack gets the drop on one of them.  Right on time: “My name is Jack Bauer…”  You just keep trying that one, Jack. That bit is bound to work one of these days.

6:14:  Today is not that day. Before Jack can get through what’s going on, he gets tasered in the back by Herc.  But rather than arrest Jack, Herc takes him back inside for a good ol’ fashioned beating-down.  Someone go get the Gimp.

6:24:  Jack is getting beat down.  When Cop-who-isn’t-Herc thinks Herc is being too rough, Herc sends him away.  I bet he misses Carv right about now.

6:41: That is now 27 minutes straight that Jack has been getting the shit kicked out of him.  Yet just as Herc comes in for another round, Jack tips his chair forward, charges forward and rams him, breaking his chair.  Jack then does a somersault to get his legs through his cuffs, picks up a chair leg, and… Herc’s ribs just got JACKED!

You know what strikes me about Jack’s escape?  It’s that there weren’t any ropes he had to work loose, or cut on a sharp piece of glass, or anything like that.  In other words, Jack could have done it whenever he wanted.  That means he just sat through 30 minutes of getting punched in the face, presumably because he liked it.

6:54: This time, Young cop follows up on Jack’s information and realizes he’s telling the truth.  By now Jack knows that Assassin Cop is going to the U.N. to kill the Shmiranian President, but he needs a ride. He tells Crybaby Cop,  “Officer, this is going down NOW. You can either stand here and do nothing or you can help me stop it.”  Ooh, that cop’s willpower just got JACKED!

That being said, has Jack thought this through?  See, Crybaby Cop happens to be of the Asian persuasion, as they say.  And the last time Jack followed an Asian cop… it didn’t end so good.  (He spent 18 months in a Chinese prison.)  I’m just saying…

6:58:  Jack gets on the phone with Freddie Prinze Jr and tells him to stop Shmiranian’s president’s car. Why is he in a car, you say?  Well, I haven’t taken the time yet to go into the details of the assassination plot, but let me ask you this: have you ever played the board game “Mouse Trap?”  It’s basically like that, except swap out “net that falls on mouse” with “bomb under manhole cover.”  Everything else stays the same, including the way that the game required so much set up for so little payoff.  Jack’s warning provides JUST enough time for the Dreamboat to swerve in front of the Shmiranian President’s car as the bomb goes off.  WILL HE BE OKAY?!?  There’s a chance I’d be in suspense if I wasn’t going to find out in five minutes.

For the hour:

• Kills: 0
• KO’s: 0
• Ribs broken: 1
• Wooden furniture pieces busted: 2
• Punches to face: -329 (estimated)

Shiiiiiiit. Break furniture and get punched in the face?  I coulda done that!

Jack’s Day, 7-8 PM:

When we last left Ja- oh just press PgUp.

7:02:  Surprise, surprise, The Dreamboat lives.  The Assassin starts to freak out as his Rube Goldberg deathtrap is unraveling before his eyes.  He watches as the Dreamboat sends the Shmiranian President safely to CTU Headquarters, then flees when Dreamboat sees him.    Freddie Prinze Jr. chases him into an alley, where I’m pretty sure the Dreamboat will die.  I think everyone knows that any time a sidekick chases after a bad guy, they’re going to die.  The problem is people never realize when they’re they sidekick. YOU ARE THE SIDEKICK, DREAMBOAT.  And since I know my wife’s not reading this: YOU ARE THE SIDEKICK, WONDER WOMAN.

7:05: The Shmiranian President’s brother was in on the plot all along.  He too freaks out hearing that his brother is still alive, so he stabs a CTU officer in the neck and runs away into the night.  To be clear, no one had suspected a thing yet.  UNTIL NOW.  That’s using your noggin.

7:06:  Oh man, Dreamboat just followed the Assassin into an abandoned building!!!  ABORT!!! ABORT!!!  YOU ARE ROBIN, YOU DUMB (but handsome) SON OF A BITCH!  And here we go.  Assassin has the Dreamboat at gunpoint.  He has him get down on his knees, so I guess tonight’s killing will be served execution style.

7:07: GUESS WHO SHOWS UP TO SAVE THE DAY. Jack shoots the assassin in the nick of time.  While Robin tries to unvoid his bowels, Jack rips open the Assassin’s shirt.  I assume he likes to view his handiwork.  After noticing some interesting tattoos, Jack whips out his cellphone to start taking photos for Chloe.  I bet he has a tremendously thick album at home.

Some minutes later that I didn’t record: The tattoos suggest the assassination has some connection with the Russian mob.  CTU knows of a woman who worked undercover with the Russians some years ago.  It’s the Firecrotch from last season. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s a small world aaaaaaaaaaafter all…

7:20:  Jack gets to CTU, says good bye to Dreamboat and says he’s going to try and make the last flight to L.A.   Chloe tells him that Firecrotch is coming down to the office.  Jack says she didn’t return his calls.  Chloe says that she had some kind of breakdown.  Now, I didn’t watch all of last season, but both of those things might have to do with the time Jack shot her in the neck and left her suffocating in a ditch.  Lady: he’s just not that into you…

7:22: The assassin’s body has traces of radioactive elements.  See, this is why they should have ended the show after Season 6. Once you nuke Valencia, you really don’t have anywhere else to go unless Jack’s going to take on a Death Star.  They should have had a press conference and said “Look, we shot our wad.  Deal with it.  Show’s over.”  Now 24 is the only show in history that can consider nuclear terrorism to be a tired plot device.

7:27: Firecrotch arrives by helicopter.  From the skyline, it appears that CTU is in New Jersey.  Why not.   A few minutes later, she gives the team a breakdown on what the tattoos mean.  Like all tattoos, they mean the dudes are badass and not to be trifled with.  In unrelated news, I have a tattoo.  I am badass and not to be trifled with.

CTU asks her to go back undercover.  They offer her her badge back.  She reminds them that she quit, and doesn’t want her badge back.  Then she takes the job anyway… out of the good of her heart? What the hell is going on?  She needs to go back and watch Lethal Weapons 1 & 2 again, because she doesn’t seem to fully understand the rebel cop mentality.

7:32:  Jack comes by to say goodbye to Chloe.  Chloe tells her that Firecrotch is going undercover to go after nuclear bombs.  This intrigues Jack, who wants her to go undercover for some NON-nuclear fusion, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  They talk shop for a bit, but Jack doesn’t seem super confident in her abilities.  She apparently almost killed someone during her interrogation, and Jack worries that she’s gone to “a dark place.” Considering that Jack basically lives in this so-called “dark place”, I don’t think his concern is for her mental well-being; I think he’s afraid she’s going to try and move-in.  ”Uh, babe?  You left your toothbrush in the dark place again. We talked about that, remember?”

7:33: Oh dear – Jack pulls back her sleeve, and Firecrotch has been cutting herself.  Firecrotch dismisses Jack, and as we cut away, the moop-moop sounds a bit more melancholy, somehow.

7:42: Jack interrupts Firecrotch’s briefing to ask to speak with the director alone, but Firecrotch remains in the room.  That oughta make it easier for Jack to throw her under the bus, as he basically tells the director, “Bitch is crazy.”  When Firecrotch reminds them that she’s their only way into the Russian mob, Jack re-raises by insisting on being part of the operation, and the director acknowledges that he’d be a fool to refuse. An hour ago he thought he needed “more than Jack’s instincts,” and now he’s letting Jack run the show.  Bill Buchanan, drinking at home – alone – approves.  Jack apologizes to Firecrotch, and yet another angel is stabbed in the knee.  Knock it off, Jack.

7:52: Jack and Firecrotch start arguing in the car.  She knows he doesn’t trust her. Most people probably assume she’s still talking about the mission, but I’m getting a sense of deja vu that makes me think they’re arguing about which route to take.  I fucking hate arguing with Wonder Woman in the car.  For all you single folks out there: a Garmin is they key to a good marriage.  (I’m willing to talk sponsorship deals, if anyone from Garmin is reading this.)

7:54: Hey, it’s the “why squirrel hate me” guy from those airline ads!  (Psssst!  Ad people!  If I remember your punchline better than the brand, you have fucked up your commercial.) 24 producers clearly don’t use a casting agency – they just watch TV.