Underpants On The Outside

I’m a big fan of 24, though most of the time I’m just impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day. Enjoy.

Jack’s Day, 8-9pm:

Last night, I had an awesome “throwback” 24-viewing experience, as I had the pleasure of watching it in the company of Ex-Roommate Mary.  Ex-Roommate Mary was part of the group that first introduced me to 24, and I still enjoy watching it in that group environment. Wonder Woman doesn’t watch the show, and each week I keep forgetting how fine the line is between “really awesome Jack Bauer impression” and “You’re being an asshole.  Now untie me and put the kitchen knife back in the drawer.”  At least Ex-Roommate Mary understands my humor.

The only downside to this arrangement was that Ex-Roommate Mary hadn’t seen the first four episodes.  Hm.  I wonder where she could read really long but somewhat amusing recaps of those epis- OH WAIT I’M TALKING ABOUT THIS SITE.  Do you know what it feels like to try and describe four hours of 24?  I guarantee the writing staff of the show doesn’t.  It’s not pleasant.

On that note… ON WITH THE SHOW!

When we last left Jack, his ex-girlfriend operative had just cut the arm off of a low-level Russian mobster, played by the “Why Squirrel Hate Me” guy.  Jack is about as perturbed as most people would be if you scratched their car.  There’s no panic; just frustration.

[on further examination, we discover that Firecrotch didn't cut off the guy's arm - just his thumb, so the bracelet would come off.  So he can still type, butallofhissentenceslooklikethis. One Two Three Four, you just lost a thumb war!]

8:07: Jack doesn’t think this operation should continue.  It’s a funny choice of words when you think about it, because she’s pretty much playing Operation (Travel Edition.)  Jack tells her that she’s unstable. Unfortunately those are the hardest to get rid of.  (When I tried to break up with my unstable ex-girlfriend, she refused to leave my room.  We stayed together three more months.  Her Facebook photo now shows her holding an M-16.)  Jack reiterates that she’s not fit for this mission, but she calls his bluff, because she’s the only way they’re getting the nukes in time.  She’s got Jack by the short and curlies in one hand; he’d better hope her other hand isn’t still holding that saw.

When Squirrel Hate Me wakes up (he fainted when he realized his detachable thumb gag just got a lot more realistic), he says he’ll take her to “Vladimir.”  Just then, Chloe calls Jack, telling him about ten minutes too late about the guy’s parole bracelet.  The show is not called “24 and some change”, Chloe.  Try and be a little more on the ball next time.

8:17: Squirrel Hate Me and Firecrotch are in a car, with Jack tailing.  Squirrel is surprised she wants to deal with Vlad, after “what he did to her.”  I’m curious to hear what that’s all about. Luckily, so his Jack, so he puts Chloe on it.  I wish I had a Chloe.  I’d probably call her 36 times during a single episode of Lost.

8:31: Team FireSquirrel pulls up to a nondescript garage.  Squirrel Hate Me gets out to go talk to the guys first.  While he’s gone, Jack asks Firecrotch what happened between her and this mysterious “Vladimir.”  Wait – Jack put Chloe on this fourteen minutes ago and she still hasn’t got him anything??? OK, I’m officially concerned about Chloe.  She’s struggling with the computers, it’s taking her forever to find stuff. Then it hits me – I bet she’s using Office 2007.  It’s terrible.  I don’t know if Office 2007 is under the “I’m a PC and Windows 7 was my idea” marketing campaign, but if so, I would really like to meet the person whose idea it was to get rid of the pull-down menu system that I’ve been using for the past twenty years.  Personally, I was not ready for a change.  I would like to meet that person, and then rearrange their entire house.  Looking for the milk?  It’s in your sock drawer!  Welcome to the Office 2007 experience!

Firecrotch tries to tell Jack it was nothing, and that Squirrel Hate Me is “a drama queen.”  At which point Mary yells at my TV: “You just cut off his fucking thumb!!!”  I really did miss her.

Some minutes later (I wasn’t taking good notes): Firecrotch is brought in to meet “Vladimir”. Even though Vladimir knows that she was being brought in, when she enters, he’s facing away from the door, attempting to nonchalantly lean on a shelf, even though all of his henchmen are facing her. This is obviously what Vladimir has determined to be his “cool” look.  Every guy has one.  Mine involves a slight, almost flirtatious pursing of the lips.  Needless to say, none of these looks are actually cool.

Hey – Vladimir is a Cylon!  The guy playing Vladimir (Callum Keith Rennie) played the Cylon “Leoben”, on Battlestar Galactica.  That’s two BSG actors now. I just hope Jack knows to be careful.  The Cylon can’t die – he’ll just be reborn in a new body.  Though, come to think of it, that might be Jack’s dream come true.  A man that can’t die is like an all-you-can-eat buffet… of torture.

Chloe tells Jack (finally) that things went bad between The Cylon and Firecrotch.  They were together while she was undercover, and it sounds like things got rough. Suddenly, it all makes sense to Jack. Firecrotch WANTS to die.  Remember, when Curtis threatened a mission a couple years ago, Jack shot him in the neck, and Curtis DIDN’T want to die.  Bros before hos, Jack.  Bros before hos.

8:40-ish:  Firecrotch plays 20 questions with the Cylon as he tries to find any holes in her cover story.  Finally he tells her she has balls.  (Well, Jack’s just getting tons of surprises tonight!) Then the Cylon orders his men to tie up both Firecrotch and Squirrel Hate Me, and to throw them in a trunk.  They go for a ride, as Jack tails them and Chloe follows via satellite.  Jack tells Chloe that they have to assume they’re being taken somewhere to be killed.  Then he yells, “Damn it!”  Usually when Jack yells that, there’s someone nearby.  Usually he has his hand or a gun to that someone’s throat.  Now he’s in a car, yelling into a bluetooth headset.  The whole scene just looks so impotent.  It’s like he’s yelling at traffic.  The Jack Bauer I knew doesn’t yell at traffic – he waterboards it.

8:57: On his headset, Jack hears Firecrotch get out of the trunk, but the car he’s following is still moving.  He realizes he’s been following a decoy.  Chloe missed the real bad-guy car leave about five minutes later.  Jack actually yells, “Are you kidding me!?!”  at Chloe. I don’t think this has ever happened. I’m telling you, Office 2007 is a nightmare.  It’s not her fault.

Cylon takes Firecrotch to the water.  Squirrel Hate Me gets killed.  Over his headpiece, Jack hears Firecrotch give this sappy speech about how she’s got nothing to live for, and he should just kill her. (No Best Supporting Actress Emmys were harmed during the filming of this scene.)  Sure enough, The Cylon doesn’t kill her. According to him: “I had to be sure.  You understand, right?”

Mary (in fake Russian accent): “Water under bridge, yes?”  Not to Squirrel Hate Me it isn’t.

Jack tells Chloe to stand down – they bought her cover. He’s breathing heavy.  I’m almost certain he ejaculated in his pants.

For the hour:

• Kills: 0
• KO’s: 0
• Driving: a lot
• Stakeouts: -1 (you followed a decoy, Jack?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???)

This is possibly the worst hour I have ever seen Jack have.

Z’s Day, 8-9 PM:

Damnit.  I told myself to do something interesting Monday.  Unfortunately I had an office party, and in order to get home to watch 24 with Mary, I spent the 8-9 hour on the subway.

For the hour:

• Kills: 0
• KO’s: 0
• Trains taken: 3
• Open seats: 1

Like Jack, I did a lot of traveling during my hour.  Unlike Jack, I actually went in the right direction.  I WIN!!!!