Underpants On The Outside

As I mentioned in the comments yesterday, I finally got around to seeing the new Batman movie Monday night, four days too late. And today, I’m going to do without the lengthy unfunny preamble (don’t get me wrong – I wrote it, it just sucked, so now I need to justify having no intro whatsoever.)It wasn’t the greatest comic book movie of all time.  The first one (Batman Begins) was much better.  Moreso, IRON MAN was better.  That’s right!  I went there!First of all, let me say that any negative reviews do not stem from the fact that this movie absolutely TERRIFIED me.  Heath Ledger is so freakin scary that I would have probably pissed myself if I hadn’t already sweated out ever available ounce of water in me.  It reminded me of when I used to tutor people for the LSAT.  During the practice tests, people sustained such a high level of anxiety for so long that their natural body odor transcended itself, reaching a level of rank nastiness that might have qualified the testing room for “oubliette” status. I mention it because I left The Dark Knight with LSAT-funk.  Again, though, I don’t hold that against the movie, no matter how little I slept Monday night.

Before the nerd police break down my door, let me say for the record that this was also not a case of me going in with the typical fanboy paradox of both lofty expectations paired with tremendous skepticism.  Everything I expected from The Dark Knight delivered in full.  Unfortunately, the producers took a Windows-like approach to the movie: they gave me everything I needed, but loaded it up with a bunch of crap that slowed it down to a crawl.

[THIS IS WHEN I SPOIL THE MOVIE, SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS, LEAVE.]

- This movie is long.  LONG, long.  The only movies that should be that long are Victorian-era period pieces filled with social intrigue and epic romance – that way, I know not to watch them in the first place.  The thing is, TDK really didn’t need to be that long.  There are some bits in the beginning about modifying the Batsuit that never come into play later; they end up being nothing more than some meaningless, witty banter between Morgan Freeman and Christian Bale.  I don’t need to see that. When I see other people share witty conversation, it makes me wish I was wittier, and then I try and think of witty things to say, which results in blank, empty stares.

- There’s also a segment about a guy who figures out Batman’s identity and attempts to blackmail him, which goes nowhere. Again, the only function it serves is for Morgan Freeman to have a (pretty damn) funny moment.  It makes me wonder if Morgan Freeman has a certain number of comedic moments mandated in his contract.  If so, someone should tell him that we (by which I mean, the entire population of America) really are convinced that he is a charming, sage old man with a good-natured sense of humor.  We got it; he can relax.  In fact, now that Paul Newman is busy making salad dressings and Robert Redford looks weird, he’s pretty much got the Charming Old Guy market cornered.

(On the other hand, I really like imagining Morgan Freeman yelling at the writer/producers: “TWO??? Two funny lines?!?  You’ve written that limey cocksucker Caine so he’s practically Monty fucking Python, and I’ve got two funny lines?!?  Now fix this before I shove an Oscar up your ass!”)

- Can someone please convince Christian Bale to change his Batman voice?  He’s so good as Bruce Wayne, but then he puts on the mask and starts growling all the time.  When you’re up in a mugger’s face it’s intimidating, but when you’re trying to talk to someone across the room it just sounds silly.  But that’s just my opinion; I’m no Batman expert (correction: I absolutely am a Batman expert.  Recognize.)

- There’s a moment when Batman, riding the Bat-cycle, needs to make a quick 180.  What he does is run the bike straight into a wall, which kicks up the front wheel so the bike is vertical, then he pivots the bike on the back wheel and brings the front down, facing the opposite way.  Bear in mind that he was doing around 80 mph when he hit the wall.  That’s not Batman; that’s a friggin Darwin Award.  Just because I accept that Batman can fly using a cape made of “Memory Cloth” doesn’t make me an idiot.

- Speaking of the Bat-Cycle, having it eject from the Bat-Mobile like that was freakin awesome.  It just needed to be said.  When I have my midlife crisis in a few years, I hope I’m rich enough to buy a car that does that.

[SERIOUS SPOILERS NOW]

- Why’d they have to kill Two-Face?  They had a perfectly good Joker movie already – if you can squeeze in the origin of Two-Face, that’s all gravy.  And their Two-Face graphics looked AWESOME, but then they go and kill him, and a perfectly good bad guy is wasted.  Y’know, there are starving kids in Africa who would just love a perfectly good villain like that…

- On the other hand, two thumbs up on killing the girl. Batman can’t be in love.  Crime doesn’t stop just because Thursday is Date Night.  More importantly, I base all of my fantasies on life of Bruce Wayne – if he enters a monogamous relationship… what’s the point?  It’s like Groundhog Day.