Underpants On The Outside

It’s taken me too long to write this, but a travesty has occurred. A hero has been silenced.

I’m talking about a man who has saved Los Angeles and/or the universe from nuclear fire and chemical plagues. If the ancient Egyptians had experienced the terrors he faces in an average work day, they not only would have freed the Jews, they would have sent them on their way with gift baskets and some maps. He has been shot, stabbed, poisoned, trapped, beaten, and tasered*, and regularly goes 24 hours without taking a shit. Yet Jack Bauer has finally met the one force on Earth that can stop him. A bunch of writers.

Fox has officially postponed the next season of 24 indefinitely due to the writers’ strike. I always thought the worst thing the Writer’s Guild ever did to Jack Bauer was Audrey, and for that alone they deserved an evening in Jack Bauer’s Oubliette of Agony**. But to shut him down entirely?? Highly trained terrorists couldn’t do that. By the transitive property, that means that the Writer’s Guild is worse than terrorists. You heard it here first.

These are men whose collective upper body strength would suggest they spent their childhoods selling Thin Mints, yet they were able to incapacitate Jack Bauer by simply not going to work. Meanwhile, Jack Bauer wouldn’t miss a day of work if his life depended on it. (I don’t mean that figuratively; Jack seriously ups his chances of dying just by going in to work in the first place. Of course, it also maximizes his opportunities to inflict pain, so he takes the bad with the good.)

If the average writer is anything like myself, he noodles around on the internet for a couple hours debating who to start on his fantasy team, starts writing around 11:30, hits a snag around a quarter to one and goes out for a burrito. Compare that to Jack Bauer, who in an average work day will be incapacitated up to fourteen times and his first eighteen to twenty plans will go horribly awry. Despite all that, he doesn’t complain about five or six bullet holes, so you certainly won’t hear him whine about “unfair shares of internet revenue.” You hear that, Writer’s Guild of America?!? Thanks to you, Jack Bauer isn’t on the job! Maybe the next nuclear bomb will go off somewhere a little more close to home than VALENCIA, and then we’ll see how much your royalty checks can protect you!

Actually, the more I think about it, the more it seems like Fox had an awfully itchy trigger finger when it came to putting 24 down like Old Yeller. I don’t even think the writers had finished thinking of clever puns for their picket signs. I see it as more of an indictment of how terrible last season was. The story was like reverse-Darwinism: the best characters were killed off, and now only the weak (or not-so-pretty…CHLOE) survive. Fox just saved themselves millions of dollars on advertising a show starring Jack Bauer, Chloe, and 526 anonymous CTU agents with very short lifespans.

There is one good side to this strike issue. Since I’ve started watching the show, I’ve struggled with the fact that Jack does more than an hour than I do in a week. Well, not this year! SUCK MY PRODUCTIVITY, BAUER!

*There’s also a tremendously stupid sounding rumor about an incident with a cougar or puma or something. Maybe a Yeti, or Jawas. I don’t know, I just remember it was stupid.

**That’s my name for Jack Bauer’s basement. I imagine it filled with all sorts of four-point restraint harnesses, handcuffs (both standard and furred; Jack likes ladies who live on the edge), blood-stained tools (sets in both English units and Metric), along with a TV and a beer fridge. Then again, that’s kinda how I imagine every room in the Bauer household.

I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 4-5 AM:  Even though there are only two hours left, Jack begins them by once again being put into custody, which might make this the first season where Jack gets arrested more times than he kills people.  Luckily for him, over half of the CTU workforce seems to have just come from a temp agency – they don’t even bother to take away his phone. 

Jack calls Chloe, who explains what is going on in a matter of minutes – meanwhile I’ve written about 40 pages on this season and maybe three of them have been coherent.  I should either stop being a writer or Chloe is Hemingway. 

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I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Yesterday I got a phone call from Big Brother.  His first word was “Hey”.  The next four were, “Your 24 blogs suck.”  To that I say… there’s only three more to go, let’s just get through this.

Jack’s Day, 3-4 AM:  As the Chinese lead her illegitimate son away, the Widow starts freaking out, but not the finds-super-strength-and-lifts-car-off-of-baby, Incredible Hulk type of freak out.  More like the high pitched shrieking and blubbering.  I didn’t realize that the Buzzkill also comes in a brunette model.

We’ve seen in the past that Jack doesn’t handle women screaming too well – he tends to freak out and act very impulsively.  Like the way he tries to rush to the Widow/Buzzkill, forgetting that there’s a Chinese dude with a rifle standing right behind him. The guy reminds Jack by rifle-butting him in the kidneys, showing Jack a good use for rifles other than, “stuff in vent fan.” 

(Yet another parenthetical comment – I do so love them: many members of the Chinese Assault team have facial hair.  It’s an interesting contrast to all of my Asian friends, who on average shave once every two weeks.  Therefore the preponderance of beards lets me know that these guys are BAD ASS and not to be trifled with.  Jack doesn’t seem to pick up on this.) 

Frankly, I wonder if having a Chinese man cause him intense physical pain gives Jack a sense of nostalgia, considering that’s what was going on a little over 21 hours ago.  For the past two years.  That probably pisses him off, so Jack counterattacks by – oh fuck, he’s begging again!  Goddamnit - show some fucking dignity! 

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I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 2-3 AM: It’s been 20 hours now. Jack has a dead brother, a crazy girlfriend, and the Secretary of Defense just called him cursed. Sure, he stopped a threat of nuclear terrorism, which would be awesome if he hadn’t then gone and incited a possible nuclear war.  Not exactly Jack’s best day.  Now to win Cold War II, Jack’s going to have to do more than JFK, Reagan, Maverick and Rocky combined. Too bad he’s incarcerated.

2:04 AM: Even though it sounded like “Mrrflmorg”, Audrey and the rest of CTU’s Chess Club have managed to track down a lead to some building where they think the Chinese are hiding, which is really impressive since the sign doesn’t contain any of the following words: Happy, King, Dragon, Jade, Palace.

Yet again, Jack pleads with someone, this time to go on the raid. First of all, it’s surprising how little he seems to understand the concept of arrest. Perhaps that’s because it’s so rare that he actually puts people in it. Second of all, his reasoning for why he should go is that he believes he knows how Hello Kitty (the Chinese Ambassador) thinks after two years of being tortured by the guy. That means that Jack developed a deeper relationship with his torturer than with the Buzzkill. Surprisingly, parole is not granted.

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I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

It’s been a long time since I had a chance to write for the underpants – I wish I could say I’ve been up to something really cool, but in fact I’ve just been working very hard to sell pop-up advertisements, and my nights are booked solid: Mondays are for Heroes and 24, Wednesdays for Lost, Thursdays for Magic, and Tuesdays are for making sure Wonder Woman doesn’t forget I live here (aka, meeting my minimum weekly Boyfriend Quota.)

Don’t get me wrong – having so much to do at work has nothing to do with my lack of blogging, because I NEVER blog on the job. I also love having lots of work, and feel more than adequately compensated. [Editor’s note: This has nothing to do with the events of a month ago when the director of my division came into town, we all went out, I had one martini too many (in other words, one martini) and told him he’s gotta go check out the funniest site on the internet, Underpants On The Outside.com.]

In any case, I’m two episodes behind – no time for screwing around. Here we go.

Jack’s Day, 1-2 AM: Jack is under arrest, Audrey is incoherent, and the Chinese have the super-secret ultra-cool circuit board that will somehow allow them to conquer Russia. I haven’t played Risk in a while, but if that ever happened I’m pretty sure I’d forfeit. Jack should be working on learning Mandarin (a pretty difficult language, as it turns out), but instead he wants to interrogate the Buzzkill. He even pleads with Silver Spoon. I can’t believe the amount of begging Jack has done this season, not to mention who he has been begging to. (Wayne? WAYNE????) Unfortunately, Silver Spoon can probably think of a few other reasons Jack might want some alone time with Audrey in a deserted motel, and isn’t going to allow it. Thank you, Agent Cockblock. Come to think of it, he’s probably still pissed that Jack ditched him by the side of the road. I’ve heard that one before – I hope Jack doesn’t think, “Hey, babe, you said you wanted me to let you out of the car,” is gonna make everything all right. Instead, Schroeder puts Jack in a helicopter heading back to CTU.

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I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, Midnight – 1 AM:  We had a change of venue this week: (ex) Roommate Kat recently got herself a nice little studio, and she had Mary, Wonder Woman and myself over for a night of TV and pesto.  When I said her studio was nice, I meant it –now we get to see Jack Bauer in Hi-Def, on a TV just smaller than my bed.  My eyeball estimate was 72” – based on the length of my penis (8”, reported) multiplied by the approximate number of my-penises that could be lined up end-to-end along the TV’s diagonal (in a totally not-gay way).   Kat and her receipt insist the TV is a 40”, but you can’t argue with the numbers.

Whatever the size, we gathered around the monolith filled with renewed enthusiasm after Jack’s last awesome hour.

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I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day 11-12 PM:  A couple minutes ago, Jack had he saved the day.  Not only that, he’d done it in record time, with seven hours to spare.  He had to have been feeling good, and you know what that means: cue the Buzzkill!  You know the feeling when you get home from work and your shoes are half off when you realize you forgot to pick up the laundry, and now you have to schlep out all over again?  That has to be close to what he’s feeling.  And if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life, it’s never risk your life for a girl who’s comparable to forgotten laundry. 

Jack has seven hours to save Audrey, but he’ll have to find out what the Chinese want first, and that means he has to call them from a secure line.  Luckily Jack just met like six or seven guys who all have secure phones.  Even better, they won’t need their phones, seeing as how Jack killed them all.  Now all he has to do is steal one from the table where everyone is gathering the evidence.  So he walks up and pockets one with a smoothness implying years of pubescent petty theft.  But I’m disappointed.  There was no pizzazz.  Compare it to my routine from those days:

First I’d walk idly into the store, looking around aimlessly.  Suddenly my eyes go a little wide: clearly I am interested in something.  I’d pick it up, furrow my brow, turn it over a few times.  A York…Peppermint Patty, you say?  Interesting, interesting (hold it up to the light for affect).  Then I’d shake my head, communicating to any interested parties that after careful consideration I’ve decided it would not be a wise purchase at this juncture.  I would set the item back.  What you did NOT see was that I actually took TWO of said item off the rack - genius! - (not very) discreetly pocketing the second item.  As a last flair, I would nod to the cashier on the way out, as if to imply that I would return shortly; I just needed to call my broker and liquidate some assets so I could buy that pack of Doublemint I had my eye on. 

If Charlie Chaplin and Marcel Marceau had a child, but the child had a few too many chromasomes due to flaws in the cloning process, and it shoplifted, we probably would have looked very similar.

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I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 10-11:  Sure, it’s getting late, but just because you’re putting the kids to bed doesn’t mean Jack can take it easy.  He may have apprehended the terrorist, but there are still two suitcase nukes commuting around Los Angeles, and President “Look Who Decided to Grow Himself a Pair” Wayne just launched a nuclear missile at a non-descript, non-existent Muslim country.  All last season Jack was clearly uncomfortable whenever Wayne had a gun in his hand; I think we now know why.

Yet I’m confused.  We only have eight or so more shows left; not enough for a nuclear war (though that could be good for next season).  Therefore Jack is going to have to solve this thing before that missile detonates, as if he doesn’t have enough deadlines.  How the hell is he supposed to do that?  The man is fast, but he’s not missile fast.  Then again, we are talking about Wayne.  He can grow himself a bushel of testicles; they’d all have a label reading “Property of J. Bauer”.  Jack could fix this with a phone call.     

10:00: Then again, what’s the hurry?  A general just informed Wayne that the missile will hit in five minutes.  I’m not surprised Wayne managed to pick the slowest nuclear missile in the United States arsenal.  Realistically I’m sure five minutes is quite fast for a missile strike, but on the alternative Earth where 24 takes place, you only need five minutes to do a load of laundry.  (And fold the sheets.)   That missile might as well have been launched from a steam-powered riverboat. 

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Some of you may have noticed on Monday around 10 PM EST that the universe had not imploded.  If anything, it seemed to be functioning perfectly.  Perhaps you were happy; perhaps your next thought was “Fuck!  Now I gotta go to work.”

Turns out, the world was saved by Passover.  I went to a friend’s house and didn’t get home until late, preventing me from watching Jack Bauer in real time, the resulting paradox of which would have torn the universe in half, if I’m understanding “Back to the Future” correctly.  Still I’m thinking about waiting until 10 PM to watch tonight’s episode on DVR.  I’m crazy like that.  I live on the edge.

But never mind what I was doing last week.  Sometime between Cups of Wine #2 and #3 (of four, I’ll explain), Jack was getting ready for the next of his one-hour adventures.   Remember, when we last saw our hero, he had just made his first successful apprehension of the day, though he needed the help of a heavily (and poorly acted) autistic character to do it.   Still, a win is a win, and here at the Underpants we’re all about positive reinforcement.

Jack’s Day, 9-10 PM:  As to be expected in these matters, the Russian is ready to give up the terrorist, in exchange for immunity and not to be extradited.  Unfortunately Jack doesn’t have bullets that can accomplish either of those things, which means he’s forced to call Buchanan.   Then Buchanan shows why he’s the boss, saying, “It’s your call, Jack”.  I get the feeling that if Buchanan were a real person, there would be a lot of self-help books on his bedside table.   Buchanan also tells Jack that the Vice President is challenging the President’s ability to perform his duties, since the President was blown up, placed in a coma, and now doesn’t want to nuke a made-up Middle Eastern Country.  Then Jack notes that if there is a challenge to the Presidency, it would invalidate the immunity agreement.  That makes no logical sense.  I call shenanigans, and this is precisely why I get my legal advice from Law and Order, not 24.  Jack also adds, “Bill, I need you to understand that I have no intention of honoring this agreement.”  

Personally, I’m not okay with this.  Jack just endangered a mentally disabled guy, now he’s relying on a chintzy legal loophole (that doesn’t even exist).  Furthermore, he just explicitly indicated that his honor isn’t important.  I think this is a big mistake.  We like characters like Dirty Harry and Batman because while they’re willing to break the law in the pursuit of justice, it’s only because the law doesn’t align with they know to be right and wrong.  But this is just wrong.  The writers keep beating us over the head with the theme of ends justifying means, and they seem pretty determined to see how far that can take them.  Since the terrorists no longer can use the unmanned drones, I suggest they strap the nukes to baby seals trained to swim to Catalina.  I want to see Jack racing around on a Jet Ski with a baseball bat in his hand, desperately trying to club the seals before it’s too late.  Or maybe he’d just cause an oil spill.  Whatever it takes.

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I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 8-9 PM:  It’s a shame I wasn’t able to get to this episode until now.  It’s also a shame that I never seem to have time to write for the Underpants anymore and it’s turning into just a 24 blog.  Nevertheless, my delay in getting to this episode is worse because this one was a sight to behold.

It started off innocently enough.  In a nice change of pace, Roommates Kat and Mary came over to watch 24 at my apartment, and at the beginning, Ricky Schroeder informed Jack that while his nuclear drone aerial routine was mostly a success, he didn’t stick the landing and it’s going to cost him in the overall.  Jack has already watched a nuclear bomb go off, so this actually represents significant improvement; the least Silver Spoon could do is give him a handshake.  That glass of heavy water is half FULL, Schroeder.  Besides, that’s all the way in San Francisco; the nearest Six Flags is 45 minutes away and perfectly safe.  Jack can’t be bothered. 

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