Who’s Ready to Dry-Hump Some Supermodels?
Published October 3rd, 2006 in Lost, TelevisionTomorrow is the season premiere of Lost, and we’re very excited around the apartment. I know there are an endless number of websites out there trying to predict what WILL happen in the upcoming episodes, but I took a different approach…
Six Unlikely Plot Twists for the New Season of Lost
1) It turns out the first two seasons have been a hallucination brought on by Charlie’s heroin withdrawal. In fact, he has merely been wandering around the Bronx Zoo after closing time. While it does a lot to explain the polar bear, the janitorial staff won’t appreciate the mess he’s made of his “hatch” in the men’s room.
2) The island is discovered by a luxury cruise ship that has wandered off course. The castaways enjoy the ship’s onboard rock climbing wall, driving range and nightclubs, but politely refuse a ride back to civilization because the ship is too “touristy”, and they prefer the authentic feel of the island. Weeks later, the castaways are all struck with similar stomach flu symptoms.
3) Jealous for her affections, Jack and Sawyer convince Kate to play a game of “Spin the Bottle”. Unfortunately, the island’s unpredictable electromagnetic field causes the bottle to only point towards Jack or Sawyer, no matter where they sit or how the bottle is spun. Kate excuses herself awkwardly, and after several minutes of uncomfortable silence, Jack defuses the tension by shooting Sawyer in the thigh.
4) A lawyer representing the mysterious group of inhabitants known as “The Others” sends a scathing cease-and-desist memo to the castaways. The letter claims that the term “Others” is discriminatory.
5) In an astonishing revelation, Joon, one of the two Korean lead characters, admits that he is actually half Korean and half Japanese. This should not change how the other islanders perceive him, so he is justifiably insulted by the way they keep bringing him handfuls of palm fronds and seashells and asking if he will make some wristwatches.
6) Using the mysterious outdated computer technology found on the island, the castaways manage to connect to the Internet, only to arrange their rescue through a conspicuous combination of Yahoo! services, including the search engine, map viewer, and free email accounts. The show is finally revealed to be nothing more than an innovative advertising campaign introducing Yahoo!’s new slogan, “Whatever you may have ‘Lost’, you can always find it on Yahoo!”
Dry humping a supermodel: what’s new on Lost
Published May 27th, 2006 in Lost, TelevisionLost has a habit of setting up dozens of mind-boggling mysteries and solving NONE of them. My friend Jordan, whose use of imagery is nothing short of genius, describes the experience of watching the show as frustrating as “Dry Humping a Supermodel”.
This week’s supermodel: Where do I begin? Two hours of supermodels, leaving me as turned on and ultimately frustrated as the first time I laid hands on a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
Ultimately though, I’m just one man who can only really dry-hump one supermodel at a time. So let’s go with the mystery of what brought down the plane. After all, our heroes were never supposed to be on this island. They were flying aboard an otherwise perfectly good airplane from Australia to Los Angeles when all of a sudden the plane lurched and the tail was ripped off. I’m writing this as I wait to board a flight from New York to San Francisco, so I’m thrilled to discuss this at length.
Dry humping a supermodel: what’s new on Lost
Published May 18th, 2006 in Lost, TelevisionLost has a habit of setting up dozens of mind-boggling mysteries and solving NONE of them. My friend Jordan, whose use of imagery is nothing short of genius, describes the experience of watching the show as frustrating as “Dry Humping a Supermodel”.
This week’s supermodel: We’re still humpin the Others
…but we’ve had a development! A huge one! We’ve now seen the Other’s camp! The supermodel invited us into her bedroom! (Still, you know how this is gonna end.)
The father whose kid was taken by the Others (Michael) set out to find them, was summarily captured and they led him back to their camp. For some reason their camp reminded me a lot of Tantooine, but that might be because everyone was wearing khaki. First of all, I mean EVERYONE was wearing khaki, and it wasn’t like “clothes that have been bleached by the sun”. They were wearing varied shades of khaki. Clearly one of these hatches contains a Banana Republic.
Dry humping a supermodel: what’s new on Lost
Published May 11th, 2006 in Lost, TelevisionLost has a habit of setting up dozens of mind-boggling mysteries and solving NONE of them. My friend Jordan, whose use of imagery is nothing short of genius, describes the experience of watching the show as frustrating as “Dry Humping a Supermodel”.
This week’s supermodel: The Hatches
Ah, the Hatches. It’s taken me too long to get around to this particular hotty, who we’ve been dry-humping like dry-rabbits for some time now. On a hotness/frustrated at dry-humping scale, the Hatches rank higher than the POLAR BEAR on a tropical island, but slightly lower than the fact that the tropical island heals people like E.T.
Dry humping a supermodel: what’s new on Lost
Published May 4th, 2006 in Lost, TelevisionLost has a habit of setting up dozens of mind-boggling mysteries and solving NONE of them. My friend Jordan, whose use of imagery is nothing short of genius, describes the experience of watching the show as frustrating as “Dry Humping a Supermodel”.
This week’s Supermodel: The Others
Now, I know I’ve talked about the Others before, but sooner or later I’m going to have to double up, and the Others are THE mystery of season two. You can read my last post about them here. If you don’t feel like reading it, they’re a bunch of people who can show up at any place at any time, and when they do, you’re not leaving with as many kids as you showed up with.
Dry humping a supermodel: what’s new on Lost
Published April 14th, 2006 in Lost, TelevisionLost has a habit of setting up dozens of mind-boggling mysteries and solving NONE of them. My friend Jordan, whose use of imagery is nothing short of genius, describes the experience of watching the show as frustrating as “Dry Humping a Supermodel”.
This week’s Supermodel will be the healing powers of… sand or something.
Back in season one, my favorite character was John Locke, played by Terry O’Quinn. He knew how to throw knives, make traps, and he even made a dog whistle once. But he also had a very eerie calm about him bordering on creepy, because he insisted that miracles happened on the island. It looked like he was going to turn the island into Jonestown 2: South Pacific, but then, in one of the best episodes, we found out that Locke was a paraplegic until he woke up on an island in the middle of fiery plane wreckage and could wiggle his toes. You’d think that’d be pretty awesome. If I were in his position I’d be playing coconut soccer every waking minute of the day. Instead he kept it a secret and didn’t even do a fist-pump.
This is just the type of thing these supermodel posts are about. When we found out that Locke was a healed paraplegic, me and my roommate were stunned; absolutely hooked. How’d that happen??? Back then we were thrilled to be dry-humping a supermodel. We were brimming with optimism and we firmly believed that we’d be hitting it for real sooner or later.
Dry humping a supermodel: what’s new on Lost
Published February 2nd, 2006 in Lost, TelevisionLost has a habit of setting up dozens of mind-boggling mysteries and solving NONE of them. My friend Jordan, whose use of imagery is nothing short of genius, describes the experience of watching the show as frustrating as “Dry Humping a Supermodel”.
What’s new on Lost? Nothing.
This week’s mystery: Who do I gotta dry hump to get a new episode around here???
Dry humping a supermodel: what’s new on Lost
Published January 30th, 2006 in Lost, TelevisionLost has a habit of setting up dozens of mind-boggling mysteries and solving NONE of them. My friend Jordan, whose use of imagery is nothing short of genius, describes the experience of watching the show as frustrating as “Dry Humping a Supermodel”.
This week’s mystery: Visions.
The visions are one of the larger blue-ballings that the Lost writing staff has given me. Early in the first season, Dr. Dreamy kept seeing a man in a suit, standing at the edge of the jungle. As it turned out, the man was Jack’s father, which makes sense, because Jack’s father was also on the plane. Except he was in the cargo hold.
See, Jack’s dad died in Australia, and Jack was bringing the body and a lot of emotional baggage back to the States when the plane went down on Blueball Island. So when Jack sees his father, I can believe that Jack’s subconscious is conjuring up hallucinations with the hopes that Jack will finally come to terms with his dad. After all, he’s spending a lot of time in the sun, eating nothing but fish and mangoes, and every time something threatens their camp he has to run off and get beat up by it. There’s no mystery there, until Jack goes wandering in the forest and finds a section of the plane. Wouldn’t you know it, lying in the wreckage is a coffin. Even though the coffin is shut and intact, does anyone believe there’s going to be a body in there? Of course not. This was back in season one. In the dry-humped supermodel analogy, season one took place around 10:00 at night. Me and the model, we’ve had some drinks, she’s got her hand on my thigh, and I’m making a list in my head of all the people I’m going to call and tell that I JUST HUMPED A SUPERMODEL!!!! I couldn’t wait to find out how Jack’s dad was alive and moving around.
Dry humping a supermodel: what’s new on Lost
Published January 27th, 2006 in Lost, TelevisionLost has a habit of setting up dozens of mind-boggling mysteries and solving NONE of them. My friend Jordan, whose use of imagery is nothing short of genius, describes the experience of watching the show as frustrating as “Dry Humping a Supermodel”.
Okay, so I got a little behind on Lost. To be fair, the show has been slacking off a bit too, so I don’t feel bad.
(Last Week’s) Mystery: The Others
The Others are the Pedophiliac Uncle of the island: they’re unkempt, they can appear right next to you without making a sound, you can’t get them to leave, and their fascination with children is frightening.
Dry Humping a Supermodel: What’s new on Lost
Published January 13th, 2006 in Lost, TelevisionLost has a habit of setting up dozens of mind-boggling mysteries and solving NONE of them. My friend Jordan, whose use of imagery is nothing short of genius, describes the experience of watching the show as frustrating as “Dry Humping a Supermodel”.
Before Wednesday’s episode, I got the following email from my roommate Kat:
“i saw evangeline lily (kate) on regis & kelly [Wednesday] morning. regis was trying to say that the thing that is killing everyone on the island is a dinosaur. she asked him how much money he wanted to put on it and said that the bet would be settled tonight…”
Well, after watching the episode, I hope the following letter shows up in Evangeline’s mailbox.
Evangeline,
Watched the show last night. We certainly wrapped up that mystery, didn’t we? I can’t BELIEVE I didn’t guess “noxious black gas that doesn’t do anything except make burping sounds and defy the laws of fluid dynamics”. After all, all the clues were there. It was so OBVIOUS. Case closed.
Until you tell me what the hell that thing is, I’m calling it a dinosaur. Flatulasaurus Rex. You owe me a dollar.
XOXO,
Reege
P.S. Michelle Rodriguez is the worst thing about the show. By far. Does she realize that “Girlfight” stopped filming like five years ago? Since she can only play one character, shouldn’t they just change the credits to read “Michelle Rodriguez as herself”? I hope she gets eaten by a Flatulasaurus. Her or her character; I’m good with either.