Underpants On The Outside

I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

It’s been a long time since I had a chance to write for the underpants – I wish I could say I’ve been up to something really cool, but in fact I’ve just been working very hard to sell pop-up advertisements, and my nights are booked solid: Mondays are for Heroes and 24, Wednesdays for Lost, Thursdays for Magic, and Tuesdays are for making sure Wonder Woman doesn’t forget I live here (aka, meeting my minimum weekly Boyfriend Quota.)

Don’t get me wrong – having so much to do at work has nothing to do with my lack of blogging, because I NEVER blog on the job. I also love having lots of work, and feel more than adequately compensated. [Editor’s note: This has nothing to do with the events of a month ago when the director of my division came into town, we all went out, I had one martini too many (in other words, one martini) and told him he’s gotta go check out the funniest site on the internet, Underpants On The Outside.com.]

In any case, I’m two episodes behind – no time for screwing around. Here we go.

Jack’s Day, 1-2 AM: Jack is under arrest, Audrey is incoherent, and the Chinese have the super-secret ultra-cool circuit board that will somehow allow them to conquer Russia. I haven’t played Risk in a while, but if that ever happened I’m pretty sure I’d forfeit. Jack should be working on learning Mandarin (a pretty difficult language, as it turns out), but instead he wants to interrogate the Buzzkill. He even pleads with Silver Spoon. I can’t believe the amount of begging Jack has done this season, not to mention who he has been begging to. (Wayne? WAYNE????) Unfortunately, Silver Spoon can probably think of a few other reasons Jack might want some alone time with Audrey in a deserted motel, and isn’t going to allow it. Thank you, Agent Cockblock. Come to think of it, he’s probably still pissed that Jack ditched him by the side of the road. I’ve heard that one before – I hope Jack doesn’t think, “Hey, babe, you said you wanted me to let you out of the car,” is gonna make everything all right. Instead, Schroeder puts Jack in a helicopter heading back to CTU.

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I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, Midnight – 1 AM:  We had a change of venue this week: (ex) Roommate Kat recently got herself a nice little studio, and she had Mary, Wonder Woman and myself over for a night of TV and pesto.  When I said her studio was nice, I meant it –now we get to see Jack Bauer in Hi-Def, on a TV just smaller than my bed.  My eyeball estimate was 72” – based on the length of my penis (8”, reported) multiplied by the approximate number of my-penises that could be lined up end-to-end along the TV’s diagonal (in a totally not-gay way).   Kat and her receipt insist the TV is a 40”, but you can’t argue with the numbers.

Whatever the size, we gathered around the monolith filled with renewed enthusiasm after Jack’s last awesome hour.

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I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day 11-12 PM:  A couple minutes ago, Jack had he saved the day.  Not only that, he’d done it in record time, with seven hours to spare.  He had to have been feeling good, and you know what that means: cue the Buzzkill!  You know the feeling when you get home from work and your shoes are half off when you realize you forgot to pick up the laundry, and now you have to schlep out all over again?  That has to be close to what he’s feeling.  And if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life, it’s never risk your life for a girl who’s comparable to forgotten laundry. 

Jack has seven hours to save Audrey, but he’ll have to find out what the Chinese want first, and that means he has to call them from a secure line.  Luckily Jack just met like six or seven guys who all have secure phones.  Even better, they won’t need their phones, seeing as how Jack killed them all.  Now all he has to do is steal one from the table where everyone is gathering the evidence.  So he walks up and pockets one with a smoothness implying years of pubescent petty theft.  But I’m disappointed.  There was no pizzazz.  Compare it to my routine from those days:

First I’d walk idly into the store, looking around aimlessly.  Suddenly my eyes go a little wide: clearly I am interested in something.  I’d pick it up, furrow my brow, turn it over a few times.  A York…Peppermint Patty, you say?  Interesting, interesting (hold it up to the light for affect).  Then I’d shake my head, communicating to any interested parties that after careful consideration I’ve decided it would not be a wise purchase at this juncture.  I would set the item back.  What you did NOT see was that I actually took TWO of said item off the rack - genius! - (not very) discreetly pocketing the second item.  As a last flair, I would nod to the cashier on the way out, as if to imply that I would return shortly; I just needed to call my broker and liquidate some assets so I could buy that pack of Doublemint I had my eye on. 

If Charlie Chaplin and Marcel Marceau had a child, but the child had a few too many chromasomes due to flaws in the cloning process, and it shoplifted, we probably would have looked very similar.

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I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 10-11:  Sure, it’s getting late, but just because you’re putting the kids to bed doesn’t mean Jack can take it easy.  He may have apprehended the terrorist, but there are still two suitcase nukes commuting around Los Angeles, and President “Look Who Decided to Grow Himself a Pair” Wayne just launched a nuclear missile at a non-descript, non-existent Muslim country.  All last season Jack was clearly uncomfortable whenever Wayne had a gun in his hand; I think we now know why.

Yet I’m confused.  We only have eight or so more shows left; not enough for a nuclear war (though that could be good for next season).  Therefore Jack is going to have to solve this thing before that missile detonates, as if he doesn’t have enough deadlines.  How the hell is he supposed to do that?  The man is fast, but he’s not missile fast.  Then again, we are talking about Wayne.  He can grow himself a bushel of testicles; they’d all have a label reading “Property of J. Bauer”.  Jack could fix this with a phone call.     

10:00: Then again, what’s the hurry?  A general just informed Wayne that the missile will hit in five minutes.  I’m not surprised Wayne managed to pick the slowest nuclear missile in the United States arsenal.  Realistically I’m sure five minutes is quite fast for a missile strike, but on the alternative Earth where 24 takes place, you only need five minutes to do a load of laundry.  (And fold the sheets.)   That missile might as well have been launched from a steam-powered riverboat. 

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Some of you may have noticed on Monday around 10 PM EST that the universe had not imploded.  If anything, it seemed to be functioning perfectly.  Perhaps you were happy; perhaps your next thought was “Fuck!  Now I gotta go to work.”

Turns out, the world was saved by Passover.  I went to a friend’s house and didn’t get home until late, preventing me from watching Jack Bauer in real time, the resulting paradox of which would have torn the universe in half, if I’m understanding “Back to the Future” correctly.  Still I’m thinking about waiting until 10 PM to watch tonight’s episode on DVR.  I’m crazy like that.  I live on the edge.

But never mind what I was doing last week.  Sometime between Cups of Wine #2 and #3 (of four, I’ll explain), Jack was getting ready for the next of his one-hour adventures.   Remember, when we last saw our hero, he had just made his first successful apprehension of the day, though he needed the help of a heavily (and poorly acted) autistic character to do it.   Still, a win is a win, and here at the Underpants we’re all about positive reinforcement.

Jack’s Day, 9-10 PM:  As to be expected in these matters, the Russian is ready to give up the terrorist, in exchange for immunity and not to be extradited.  Unfortunately Jack doesn’t have bullets that can accomplish either of those things, which means he’s forced to call Buchanan.   Then Buchanan shows why he’s the boss, saying, “It’s your call, Jack”.  I get the feeling that if Buchanan were a real person, there would be a lot of self-help books on his bedside table.   Buchanan also tells Jack that the Vice President is challenging the President’s ability to perform his duties, since the President was blown up, placed in a coma, and now doesn’t want to nuke a made-up Middle Eastern Country.  Then Jack notes that if there is a challenge to the Presidency, it would invalidate the immunity agreement.  That makes no logical sense.  I call shenanigans, and this is precisely why I get my legal advice from Law and Order, not 24.  Jack also adds, “Bill, I need you to understand that I have no intention of honoring this agreement.”  

Personally, I’m not okay with this.  Jack just endangered a mentally disabled guy, now he’s relying on a chintzy legal loophole (that doesn’t even exist).  Furthermore, he just explicitly indicated that his honor isn’t important.  I think this is a big mistake.  We like characters like Dirty Harry and Batman because while they’re willing to break the law in the pursuit of justice, it’s only because the law doesn’t align with they know to be right and wrong.  But this is just wrong.  The writers keep beating us over the head with the theme of ends justifying means, and they seem pretty determined to see how far that can take them.  Since the terrorists no longer can use the unmanned drones, I suggest they strap the nukes to baby seals trained to swim to Catalina.  I want to see Jack racing around on a Jet Ski with a baseball bat in his hand, desperately trying to club the seals before it’s too late.  Or maybe he’d just cause an oil spill.  Whatever it takes.

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I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 8-9 PM:  It’s a shame I wasn’t able to get to this episode until now.  It’s also a shame that I never seem to have time to write for the Underpants anymore and it’s turning into just a 24 blog.  Nevertheless, my delay in getting to this episode is worse because this one was a sight to behold.

It started off innocently enough.  In a nice change of pace, Roommates Kat and Mary came over to watch 24 at my apartment, and at the beginning, Ricky Schroeder informed Jack that while his nuclear drone aerial routine was mostly a success, he didn’t stick the landing and it’s going to cost him in the overall.  Jack has already watched a nuclear bomb go off, so this actually represents significant improvement; the least Silver Spoon could do is give him a handshake.  That glass of heavy water is half FULL, Schroeder.  Besides, that’s all the way in San Francisco; the nearest Six Flags is 45 minutes away and perfectly safe.  Jack can’t be bothered. 

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I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 7-8pm:  You know, it probably was the same way last year, and maybe I’m just too ready to see this show’s flaws.  But I swear, the intros to catch people up feel like they’re ten minutes long.  I wonder if Jack has noticed that nothing interesting ever happens to him in the first five/ten minutes of an hour.  I think that would be a very relaxing feeling.  Of course, he probably would have noticed things tend to go to shit at :50, and that’s really no way to live a life:

“Hey, what time is it?” 
“3:45…why?”
“No reason…” (looking up in the sky with a slightly worried expression.)

In any case, at the end of Jack’s five minute rest-period, he’s outside the Russian Consulate after being rescued by Ricky Schroeder and a tac-team.   Jack’s shoes look a little uncomfortable… maybe that’s because they’re on THE OTHER FOOT NOW!  (that joke would have worked a lot better if I was actually able to say it to Jack.  Then again, it still wouldn’t be that funny and he’d be able to physically retaliate, so I’m fine with the current setup.)

The field medic thinks Jack might have internal bleeding, due to “floating rib fragments”.  Looks to me like he has gas, but perhaps I get periodic floating rib fragments and no one told me that’s what it was.  Well, nothing that doesn’t involve the words, “shattered”, “ruptured” or “amputated” is going to keep Jack down, so he wants to get right back on the case.  Unfortunately, Ricky Schroeder has other ideas.  Ricky:  “CTU has the ball, Jack; right now this is out of your hands.”  I know we’re supposed to support our law enforcement, but this guy really is an insufferable prick.   He certainly wouldn’t be fun at the company get-together.  Besides, the statement, “CTU has the ball” is preposterous.  Jack should have replied, “Agent Doyle, you and I both know that the only balls CTU has ever had are the two that prevent my legs from touching.”

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I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 6-7 PM:   I’ll delve into it more later, but Monday night some co-workers and I went out for dinner and drinks, entertaining some out of town guests.  The reason I mention it now is because I wasn’t able to watch 24 in the hilarious company of Roommates Kat and Mary.  Instead I watched it at home with Wonder Woman, and any chance that she was going to add funny comments died when she put on headphones so none of the stupidity could get in.  So essentially I was by myself, taking notes in between propositioning Wonder Woman via email.

From my notes, one might assume that I was drunk.  Like, Bucket O’ Vodka-drunk.  My notes ramble, swing wildly from one emotion to another, and are filled with pop culture reference that make no sense, but I’m sure seemed very clever to me at the time.  But after I looked at the episode recap online the next morning, I realized that my notes were accurate and that I was sober.  I can’t say the same for the eight-year old writing this season.

The first “Wait…am I drunk or did that just happen?” moment came at 6:03 - Rickey Schroeder: CTU agent.  First of all, I want to say that Silver Spoon looks like he put his face through the same windshield as Mark Hamil.  (What, too soon?)  Second of all, let’s take a second to think about this:  24 is a show starring a Lost Boy.  Last season we had a Goonie.  This season: Silver Spoon.  I hope Ralph Macchio is taking a new set of head shots – I want to see a terrorist crane-kicked to death.  As interesting as it is to see who the next CTU agent will be, as long as the show’s producers are running up the white flag, I wish they had gone the other route and thought of a way to saddle Jack with a cute toddler for a partner.    Hey, speaking of Jack…

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I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 5-6 PM:  As you may recall, last week Jack hooked up with President Scrotum-Neck to go question the Russian Consul, who Logan thinks can lead them to the Russian General (Bad Guy 7 of 12 I believe, though I’m too lazy to check) who could then lead them to the terrorists with the nuclear bombs.  Given the flimsy nature of this lead, I would think Jack’s sense of urgency might be a tad more palpable, but he just spent the last hour changing into a suit, which makes me wonder if he knows how to tie a tie.  Maybe Logan had to help him.  I wish I could have seen that.

All I know is that at the top of the hour, when they meet in front of the house to leave, both of them have cleaned up considerably.   Nuclear Terrorism, Shmuclear Terrorism – what good is saving the country if you can’t look good while you’re doing it?  I just hope they remember to pick up a nice bottle of wine on the way to the consulate. 

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I’m a big fan of 24. Sure, the story is good, but I’m mostly impressed by how much Jack Bauer manages to squeeze into a day. To illustrate, I’m going to compare each hour of Jack’s day to the corresponding hour in my own day.

Jack’s Day, 4-5 PM: Alright, I’m just going to say it: 24 sucks this year.  A year ago you would have never heard me say that, for two reasons. 

#1: It didn’t suck.

#2: Jack Bauer had become pseudo-real to me.  The show was so compelling that I found myself talking about him like he was a real person, even if he was a half-crazed avatar of destruction and vengeance.  (And the United States of America, just in case he ever needed a warrant. (yeah, right!!!))  Sure, the plots were outlandish and placed bizarre importance on Ontario Airport; yes, Jack managed to get around Los Angeles faster than Santa Claus.  But damned if I was going to say anything too bad about him; when he and Burke show up at your door, it’s too late to say you’re sorry.

Now, Jack Bauer is a sham.  (Full disclosure: I looked behind me before I typed that.  Just in case.)  Story-wise, you could say it’s a result of Jack’s Chinese prison and all of its affiliated tortures, but I’m not buying it unless that’s where Fox has started to outsource their writing staff.

All he does is run around, point guns at people and yell bad-ass things that only sound bad ass when you back them up.  Sure, he chewed some guy’s throat out, but what has he done lately?   He was shown up by Jack Bauer: Muslim Edition in episode 2, he quit, he cried, he failed to stop an act of nuclear terrorism, and when he couldn’t kill his brother his Dad had to come in and clean up his mess.  He wouldn’t even be where he was if his dad hadn’t unbelievably decided to leave him a cell phone with a magic number to dial.

I understand that for 24 really exciting things to happen, some outlandish things have to go down, but something about this season feels sloppy; it makes even less sense than it usually does.  Jack has now happened to come across two cell phones.  First he finds one in a 1980 Pontiac then his dad just leaves him one on a roof ledge.  This is video game caliber logic.   If Jack punches a brick wall, eats the flower that comes flying out of it and starts spitting fireballs, at most I might shrug.  

Example: Jack’s Dad kills his own son to prevent CTU finding out his role in losing the nukes.  He puts a gun to his grandson’s head…then he just lets Jack live?  On top of that, he gives Jack a lead to find the nukes???  Remember, these things happened two “hours” from each other; not only has Grandpa been too busy holding his grandson hostage to really reflect on his actions, but not enough time has passed for me to forget, which is usually the reason I overlook all this nonsense.

Yet here we are at the top of the hour, with Jack on the phone with ex-President Logan, who thinks he knows something.  Fine.  I’ll accept the premise that this is possible even though it doesn’t jive with anything we’ve seen before from this character, which mostly consisted of two parts bluff, one part bluster, and eight parts loose neck-jowls.  This is a man who needed two Secret Service agents to handle his wife.  But even if he does know something, it’s a piece of information that might help CTU find the man who might help CTU find the terrorists.  A couple more degrees of separation and Jack is gonna be torturing Kevin Bacon.

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